Operation Manky Garden, Again
Good God, the world's gone mad.
What started off as a jokey idea to see if you really could cultivate tomatoes out of your own turds has spiralled out of control. This I blame entirely on Ginger Ninja Rob Manuel of B3TA for including my hair-brained scheme in last week's newsletter. Result: more hits on this site than I've ever known, and it looks like I've really got to do the thing now.
I suppose you'll be after a progress report, then.
The success of the whole thing is in the planning, so I've chosen my plot, bought a trowel (that's GBP 2.99 I won't see again, you B3TA fiends!) some latex gloves (you can never tell) and waited for some warm weather so I won't get a cold arse come the Time of the Great Poo of Woe.
It may be hot and steaming when it hits the sod, but one decent ground-frost will kill this experiment stone dead. And Mrs Duck won't let me use the conservatory, not after that business with the shed.
So, Thunderbirds are go, then. I'm already on an all-tomato diet, and will lay the all-important log as soon as Charlie Dimmock's nips reach the required seasonal texture. Then, it's hot-foot to Scary's Secret Garden for the laying of the cable. I have already stocked up on large quanitites of Guinness ("When the bottom's falling out of your world, drink six pints of the black stuff, and soon enough the world will be falling out of your bottom"), as I am certain that - combined with an all-tomato diet - the resultant Irish Bhajis will contain everything we need for a decent crop.
What, then, could possibly go wrong?
Apart from the neighbours calling the Police, the dog getting involved, filling my own kecks through poor squatting technique. I'm doomed, aren't I?
Steeled as I am for this momentous - and almost certainly illegal - occasion in my life, you will forgive the lack of a Thursday vote-o, again. Tomorrow's story has been chosen by Zoe Myboyfriendisatwat, and contains a predictably high filth content. So, while I'm waiting for the local fuzz to show up, why not amuse yourselves by discussing the most heinous crime you have ever committed?
Well? Get on with it! Own up!