My car shame

My car shame

When I am world famous, I want to go on Top Gear and be the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car. For the uninitiated, this is a spot where a celeb gets to race a mid-price family saloon round a race track in the presence of The Stig and his webbed buttocks. Then, to cap it all, you get to talk chummily with J. Clarkson about the experience, and the cars you've driven in your everyday life.

And that's where it will all go horribly horribly wrong. My car history is a story of true motoring woe. Look:

* Renault 4 TL
* Austin Allegro Equipe
* Fiat Strada Terrible
* Peugeot 205 GL
* Renault 21 with optional falling off doors
* Ford Escort Ponce Edition

These are all stepping stones, you understand. Stepping stones on the way to my Bugatti Veyron, a snip at 800,000 pounds (the price includes your own mechanic called Les on 24/7 call-out). At this stage, there are an awful lot of stepping stones still to go.

I have never, ever owned a decent motor, and the only one that didn't end up in the scrapyard was the 205, which I sold, disgusted with its 0-60 in 7.5 years performance.

The Fiat's engine actually fell out the bottom of the car after it got caught in a blizzard. In Reading. And somebody actually once broke into it, only to find absolutely nothing worth stealing. The Pug was the first car I actually paid more than 1,000 pounds for, and it was literally laughed off the road.

And I'm equally shamefaced to say - despite all its faults and awful, awful reputation - the best of the lot was the All-Aggro.

So, if any of you have a spare, decent motor that you no longer wish to use [fully taxed and MOT would be a bonus], why not let me have it? For nothing, like. Don't all rush at once.