…or the Ducks With Teef* will come for you. These people did not buy 'Tales of Mirth and Woe'. The result? A dreadful pecking. Avoid a dreadful pecking! Buy 'Tales of Mirth and Woe' in large quantities!
The more observant amongst you may have noticed that I have a book for sale. A book that you can buy for genuine cash money!
The result of my slaving over a red hot computer keyboard for four-and-a-half years, the end product is nearly 100 pages longer than Orwell's so-called classic Animal Farm, and seven times the length of Marx's world-changing Communist Manifesto.
In fact, it uses exactly the same words and language as such alleged greats as J.K. Rowling, Jeffrey Archer and the acclaimed Jade Goody, only in a much better order, with numbers at the bottom of each page, and a foreword by a genuine and properly famous author an' everything.
So, you'll be wanting to buy a copy. In fact, you'll be wanting to buy several, what with Christmas being just round the corner. You could buy it off Amazon, but then, you'd be paying them some outrageous sum for postage and packing, and the UK price racks up to eleven notes. Or, you could buy it from source for a bit of a saving.
By making a bulk purchase from the publishers, I can pass the savings on to you lot, and offer signed copies of this ground-breaking work of literary genius to UK readers for the quite reasonable sum of Ten Pounds. That's right - ten pictures of the Queen gets you 208 pages of some of the finest mank ever committed to paper, and a nice introduction by Mr Neil Gaiman.
To secure your copy of this potential family heirloom, Paypal your tenner to email@example.com (along with a posting address and any message you want on the flysheet) and I shall get your personalised copy in the post as soon as possible. If you want to pay by cash/cheque/Green Shield Stamps, please contact me at the same e-mail address and I'll give you a mailing address to send your order.
Readers in the EU should send £11.50 / €17.00, while US customers should pay £12.70 / $24.00. Unless you are really desperate to get hold of a signed copy, you'd be better off using your local Amazon shop.
The whole process may take a few days longer than Amazon, as I need a rough idea of numbers before I make my bulk order. "Plz to allow 28 days for the deliveryness, plz".
Nothing, but nothing, can possibly go wrong. And I nearly forgot the clincher: Free beer, money and sex for every tenth order!**
Publishing industry professionals! Why not ask about my ongoing fiction work 'WTF'? It's bloody excellent, and will make you and (possibly) me as rich as Croesus. What have you - apart from your professional integrity, your mortgage and all your friends and family - got to lose?
* 'Ducks with Teef' by Ross Butter (genius), with permission
** Free beer, money and sex offer closes 19th October 1968, open only to residents of Brazzaville, Republic of Congo