Anybody out there?
'ang on a minute while I find the lightswitch will you....
Right. Hello, and welcome to two weeks of me looking after Scaryduck's blog, while he swans around enjoying himself in sunny Spain.
Yep, the fule has left me in charge of entertaining you all, and given me the keys to the place, so I think the first thing I'm going to do, is have a look around.
So what can I see...?
Poster of Kate Humble on wall with rather suspicious looking stains on it...
Junior map of the world with little red flags stuck on it...
Half eaten carton of tomatoes on shelf, next to a funny smelling pot with what I hope is mud in it...
And oh dear gods, I hope those stains on the floor are just blood.
*moves rapidly away from stains, and goes to desk*
I think there might be a 'puter under this pile of books, soft toys and rubber ducks. Yep, bingo.
Sorry, just waiting for the machine to boot up... I'll have a rummage in the desk drawers while I'm waiting.
Old copies of the Beano... The Big Book of Words (illustrated)... A half eaten tomato sandwich... *eurgh* Oh, this doesn't surprise me in the least - about three dozen grumble mags, with most of the pages stuck together... Box of kleenex... I think those are pear drops, but they're all stuck together... Oh, this really is funny. For a start, it's not his colour, and secondly, he'll never fit into it without the aid of a shoehorn, and copious amounts of baby oil! *bwahahahahaha*...
What else we got? 'ang on, there's something right at the back of the drawer... can't quite reach... Ah, got it! It's a battery charger... wonder why he'd want to charge up so many batteries...?
*checks bottom drawer*
Never mind. I now know why he's got the battery charger, the manky sod. And oh dear, there's a shoehorn and a litre bottle of baby oil in there as well...
Haha! 'Puter's booted, hurrah! Kate Humble wallpaper, dearie, dearie me.
Right, what we got here then?
Porn... porn... more porn... Let's have a look at my favorites... Porn... porn... more porn...
Oooh, this folder looks interesting! Roswell, the evidence... Hitler's real diaries... Pentagon files? And a picture of Tony Bliar, and... Aaaaaaaaaaaargh! That's John Prescott! Doing, well, Tony, whilst dressed in a gimp suit... And I'm sure that's Ann Widdecombe in the background with Cherie Bliar...
I'm just popping out for a while. I've got to get back and walk Pudsey. I'm not going anywhere near the News of the World offices, honest!
If I'm not back tomorrow, it means I'll be somewhere near the Caribbean.
You ain't seen me, right?