Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Car woe, again

Car woe, again

No man should be forced to drive a diesel car. No man on Earth. It is a punishment for some ill caused in another life. Cruel and unusual punishment. Awful, smelly, rattling like a bag of spanners. The most awkward, unforgiving pile of junk, loved only by the kind of person who also takes caravan holidays. Bastards, that's who.

So, I went on my holidays to Mallorca, picked up our hire car from the airport, only to hear the sweat-stained attendant tell me "Senor - eez a diesel."

Oh, spoons.

I hated it. It hated me.

It stalled at the drop of a hat. Stunk to fuckery and put horribly greasy shit all over my hands when I went to fill it up with its horribly, smelly, greasy so-called fuel.

I vowed that one of us would end up, aflame, in a ditch. And it wasn't going to be me. The only plus point it had was being the only place I could hide from our German U2-obsessed neighbours, who greeted each and every morning with repeat playings of Pride ( "In the naaaaaaaaaaame of love"). They were called Klaus and Barbie, and I am convinced they are on the run from some war crimes trial.

Dr. Diesel, you're a bastard.

Diesel fuel is for tractors, diggers, and setting fire to people who say "But it's SO economical".

And if you care to defend diesel cars in my comments, I have the following stock reply prepared for you "LA LA LA LALALALAAAA! I'M NOT LISTENING! LA LA LA LALALAAA"

In summary: Diesel cars = no.

At this point, however, I am entitled to say that, diesel engine or no, the Ssangyong Rodius is the ugliest dog's dinner of a car ever built. And in that description, I'm including the Homer Simpson Dream Car.

DROP EVERYTHING! - 1millionlovemessages wants the world to send a million love messages to his blog to break some sort of world record.

We cannot ignore this plea for help. It is your duty to send him something wholly appropriate *cough*, but not before posting it here first. Here's a little number I tossed off this morning:

Ode to a homeless student I met in a Charing Cross doorway

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I want to cut out your liver
And cook a nice stew

Roses are red
Violets are blue
And the bits I can't cook
I'll flush down the loo

-- Denis Nilsen*

Bless. Isn't he just a hopeless romantic?

* Who is eligible for release in two years' time.

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