Spike Milligan: My name's de Famous Eccles. But most people call me by my nickname.
Peter Sellers: Oh yes, and what's that then?
I never had a nickname. It wasn't for the want of trying, but I was too much of a boring, swatty git to warrant one. I wasn't even a duck in those days, scary or otherwise.
One of my friends, the excellent Rod Edney was called Mallet. That's the kind of name to die for. When Andy Kimber ran into a tree on the school field, he became, naturally "Axe". And the school hard case was called Bozzer. Bozzer. I could weep.
Edit 21st May 2010: I've just been informed of my old pal Rod's death in Twyford last weekend, and readers may come across this post searching for his name. Rest in Peace, mate. Rest in Peace.
Of course, I've always hankered for a genuine, make-me-sound-utterly-cool nickname. I even considered "Ace" for a while. Ace Coleman. Then I saw Red Dwarf, and realised that could never happen. Ace Rimmer, otherwise known as "Ace Hole". No. And once again I am stuck with "Hey you" and "Thank fuck he's gone".
So, once again trawling for content: what's your nickname and how did you come by it? And: how about a proper nick for me while you're at it?
Don't tell anyone, but Tales of Mirth and Woe is now officially on sale.
You might wish to purchase a copy or six. Extra credit, naturally, for gushing Amazon reviews.