On having the house to one's self

On having the house to one's self

A certain lady of the female persuasion recently told me that she had the house to herself one evening, while the rest of her family was away. She spent the entire evening terrified that all the world's burglars, villains and axe-murderers were beating a path to her door, so she sat up all night watching the music channels on Sky until the sun came up.

Crap.

And that's the difference between men and women.

Getting the house to himself, any bloke in the world will be cooking the biggest, greasiest fry-up imaginable, before mincing about in the wife's underwear with the curtains closed and all the doors bolted. The connosieur would have had at least three enormous wanks by midnight, watching the ten minute freeviews on the pr0n channels, hoping beyond hope that they accidentally forget to flick the switch and encrypt it once the low-quality free stuff is over.

And they do. Naughty Suburban Grannies VII. Any port in a storm.

Even broadcast in the clear, it's crap. You can tell they're not doing the proper sexussss - it's like those awful German 1970s scud movies they used to show on RTL and 3Sat on a Friday night with the lederhosen and oompah-oompah soundtrack.

So I gather.

Said too much.

Again.

A vote-o! Yes!

Choose, then, from this manky quartet, one of which may well appear on Friday.

But first, a few items of late news:

* Take a Break: The Thailand coup leaders appeared on TV and told an expectant nation the best of good news. The ladyboy industry shall continue, with a special offer: bi now, gay later.

* Still Ill, or, Sti2 3, if you insist: Ann Noreen Widdecombe stood up, and with a dreadful slurping noise, Lord Archer fell out. He had been missing for three months, but, until that moment, nobody had noticed.

* A Terrible Cult: "I do wish you'd get my name right", the Liberal Democrat leader railed at the attendant press corps on the final day of his party's Brighton conference. "It's Minge. MINGE! You cunts."

* Disney: The Football Association has appointed Graham Norton to front their ongoing bung probe. "He's ideally suited," said a spokesman, "He's been probing bungs for years."

Oh-ho!

And it's goodnight from me...