Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Condensed Films: Doctor Who

Condensed Films: Doctor Who

After somethingy-something years in the television wilderness, Doctor Who has made a triumphant comeback to our screens. However, with thirty-nine epsiodes and two Christmas specials to trawl through, that's a lot of television for even the most attentive of viewers in these time-poor days. So, we've turned it all inside out so that it is smaller on the inside and bring you....

D. Who: Cndnsd vrsn

D. Who: Eyup! I am Teh Doctor and I am excellent. Ecky thump! By 'eck - jailbait!

R. Tyler: *sigh* He's such a dish

R. Tyler's mum: Baggsy me first

Capt. Jack: Join the queue, love

Slitheen: FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARP PS Bad Wolf

Kid with gas mask: Are you my mummy? PS Bad Wolf

Dalek: HEL-LO. I AM A DAL-EK AND I AM EX-CELL-ENT THOUGH SLIGHTLY MEN-TAL. WATCH AS I KILL THE DOC-TOR. L. O. L. PS BAD WOLF

D. Who: Eyup! I shall thwart you through a carefully nuanced argument, a great big gun, and my knowledge of the ancient Lancashire martial art of Ecky Thump. By 'eck.

Dalek: O. M. F. G! PWN3D. AGAIN. THIS IS TEH SUXX-XOR.

Capt. Jack: I am naked and on global television. Excellent! I have also killed TV's Trinny and Susannah with a gun I had hidden up my cavernous bottom. Also excellent!

Dalek: HA HA! YOU THOUGHT WE WERE DEAD. HERE WE ARE IN YR TV, INVADING YR EARTH. L. O. L. Z.

R. Tyler: Hang on. I appear to be teh bad wolf. Die Dalek scum!

Daleks: ONOZ!

D. Who: By 'eck! I 'ave gone and killed myself t'death saving t'Earth from t'Daleks. Hang on while I get a new body. Ecky thump!

D. Who: Awight! I'm a proper geezer now. Geeeeeeeeeeeezer! LOL!

R. Tyler: *sigh* He's such a dish

R. Tyler's Mum: Baggsy me first

Q. Victoria: Want a bet? That Timelord meat's going to hammer me like a six-inch nail. Just as soon as I get over being a Werewolf. Also: Torchwood. Torchwood Torchwood Torchwood.

Trigger from Only Fools and Horses: Alright, Dave. I have invented the Cybermen. LOLZ.

Cybermen: CTRL-ALT-Delete

Trigger from Only Fools and Horses: Alright, Dave. I have discovered the flaw in my plan to take over the world and live forever, as I now appear to be a Cyberman, and have fallen to my firey death from an Airship. :(

M. de Pompadour: I wub you Doctor!

D. Who: I wub you too! Oh. She is dead, and I can never love again. Geeeeeeeezer!

R. Tyler: You'll excuse me while I rub myself down in this vat of engine oil.

D. Who: A hub a hub a hub a hub a hub a hub hub.

Elton Pope: By way of a quick aside, I star in an episode which culminates in my receiving oral sex from a paving slab to a soundtrack provided by the Electric Light Orchestra. Excuse: I needed the acting work. Also, I have been instructed to say "Torchwood" at this point.

Cybermen: Hello! Here we are again. Watch as we CTRL-ALT-Delete the whole world from our base in the not-entirely-secret Torchwood building. LOL.

Daleks: WANT A BET? WE SAW IT FIRST, F.F.S.

Cybermen: You great bunch of pooves. LOL.

Daleks: OH YEAH? YOU LIKE ROBOT BOTTOMS. I'LL SCRATCH YR EYES OUT.

Cybermen: Fight! Fight! Fight! ONOZ! While we were fighting, we appear to have been sucked into a timeless void between dimensions

Daleks: YOU AND ME BOTH, GAY-LORDS. OUCH.

D. Who: And I appear to have let Rose - who I dearly want to see naked and smeared with engine oil - fall into another dimension. Now I'll never get to see those pert, round breasts and peachy bottom, and I can never love again.

C. Tate: Hello! Shouty Shouty Shouty Bovvered Screechy Shouty. Gudbye!

M. Jones: Hello. I am M. Jones and I am excellent. I shall mostly be spending the next three months trying to get ino yr trousers of time. LOL.

D. Who: A hub a hub a hub a hub a hub a hub hub. But you're not replacing R. Tyler, right? Geeeeeeeezer!

M. Jones's mum: Don't go near him! He's Evil! Eviiiiiiiiil! PS Vote Saxon

Daleks: HEL-LO. WE ARE BACK. L.O.L. PS VOTE SAXON

D. Who: Die in a fire, FFS.

Daleks: OUCH. YOU HAVE KILLED US ALL TO DEATH. AGAIN.

D. Who: Now I must hide, pretend not to be a Timelord for a bit and accidentally fall in love.

Nursie: I love you, J. Smith! PS Vote Saxon

D. Who: Geeeeeeeeeeeeeezer! I am no longer J. Smith. LOL

Nursie: ONOZ! I no longer love you.

D. Who: Arse. I can never love again. :(

M. Jones: Oh look - a spare vat of engine oil

D. Who: A hub a hub a hub a hub a hub a hub hub. PS Yr still not replacing R. Tyler.

Capt. Jack: Hello! I am back again and looking for bottoms.

J. Simm: Hello I am Teh MASTER and I am evil. Just like Teh DOCTOR I am pretending not to be a Timelord. I also appear to have fallen in love with a large, blue ant. Acid flashbacks, man.

Capt. Jack: Never mind her. I'd MASTER-bate you any time! Yoinks!

D. Who: ONOZ! It is Teh MASTER! And he has stolen my TURDIS, leaving me stranded in the year 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 (about tea time).

J. Simm: My name is Teh MASTER. I had an accident, and I woke up in the year 100 trillion. Am I mad, in a coma, or back in time? Now to take over the world, or something. LOL.

R. T. Davies: Hello. I am R. T. Davies and I am excellent. I apologise for the interruption, but I have run out of ideas on how to finish this storyline. Instead, I shall steal elements from Greek mythology, Superman, Douglas Adams, Batman, the Carry On films and ...err... Flash Gordon and hope nobody notices the complete dog's dinner I've made of what was, until I got my hands on it, a rather excellent series. Sorry. All sorted. Happy ending. I'll be off now. ROFL!

J. Simm: Can I go now, plz?

D. Who: Yes. Yes. Bugger off and don't darken my door again. Geeeeezer!

M. Jones: I'll be off as well, seeing as I won't be getting any Timelord meat for the forseeable future. Even Capt. Jack has shown me more interest, and he's a huge botter, FFS. Even in a million yrs time when he becomes the Face of Boe, and sits in a huge jar of his own wee AND DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A BOTTOM.

Capt. Jack: Pardon?

M. Jones: Oh. Nothing, nothing. LOL. Gudbye 4 Eva, D. Who!

D. Who: That's got rid of them. Now for an enormous wank over my R. Tyler hologram collection. LOLZ

The Titanic: MWAAAAAAAARB!

K. Minogue (probably): G'day!

D. Who: WTF?!

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