On fake television

On fake television

Once again television has been lambasted in the media after being found out over creative editing and competition fixing.

Sure, the Queen didn't storm out in a huff after all, Gordon Ramsay faked scenes for The F Word and poor, dead Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq won a dream holiday in the Caribbean after she won a Blue Peter phone-in competition, or something.

And so what? Does the average viewer give a shit? They do not. They care not whether Paul Potts cannot sing a note, even after six months of very expensive tuition in an Italian opera school - just as long as they're entertained and reach the next advert break without having to change channel. The poor bastards.

But now we are faced with The New Puritanism, and we need, as poor, dead Jade Goody would have said "escape goats". No heads ever rolled over bands miming on Top of the Pops. Surely it is not too late to bump off Jimmy Savile over this awful scandal that has blighted the BBC for years?

If only the print media - who have never made up a story EVER - knew what really goes on behind the scenes. With nothing to lose, we blow the lid off the foul, stinking pit that is the modern television industry. You, dear reader, must decide if these people should live or die:

* Big Brother is a carefully scripted and relentlessly rehearsed big budget drama with dozens of blogs, internet messageboards and websites created by an army of public relations staff. "Stars" such as the horribly unrealistic Charley (played by classically-trained actress Felicity Fotherington-Thomas) signing long-term contracts so they remain "in character" long after the production has ceased

* Sooty, Sweep and Soo are all puppets with a man's hand up their bottoms, with original scripts revolving around their love of "fisting". Whatever that is

* All news bulletins are recorded a week in advance. Sir Trevor McDoughnut has been in on the scam from day one.

* Infamous fly-on-the-wall documentary EastEnders has been scripted since that unfortunate business with Arthur Fowler, Ethel's Little Willy and a pole-dancing club

* Popular variety show Noel's house Party was pulled from the schedules after it emerged that the programme was not recorded in Noel's actual house, but in the home of an elderly, incontinent relative who they dressed in a large, pink rubber costume, cruelly parading him in front of the cameras every week to the hoots of the audience

* Doctor Who failed his medical exams in 1857, 1869, 1902, 1928, 1967 and 2038

Now that I've had a chance to think about it, it all makes perfect sense. I mean, there is no way on God's Earth that Jade Goody's for real. Is there?