How Manky Are You?

How Manky Are You?

As the world plummets headlong into the new age of puritanism, it appears that one can no longer aspire to the manly art of mankiness. Well, bollocks to that, we say. What is a man if he can no longer be a filthy scrote? Or a woman, for that matter.

In these trying times, we have launched a worldwide survey to find out, exactly, how manky you all are on the scientifically approved Benny Hill Scale of Personal Filth.

Remember - it's not just the stuff you do, it's the lifestyle. Just ask P. Doherty of Blandford Forum, last year's lucky Mank Survey winner. Mr Doherty is still enjoying his prize - a night out with Kate Moss - which has now lasted 10 months.

Instructions: Score one point for each statement that applies to you. Add 'em up and look up your Mank Rating in the handy reference table below.

Swearing:

Bad language implies a limited education and a limited vocabulary, say our puritan masters. Well, shit on that. Score one point for each of the words that you use regularly:

- Tit
- Bollocks
- Arse
- Flange
- Spacker
- Shit
- Fuck
- Cunt
- Fucking cunt
- Cock-badger

Score bonus points for the location of your swearing:

- In the privacy of your own home
- On the internet
- In the street
- In a crowded shop
- At work (five extra points if you are a librarian)
- In church (five points)
- In church if you are a member of the clergy (ten points)
- On National TV, at a national commemoration service for the victims of a particularly gruesome disaster, attended by senior members of the Royal Family (ten thousand points)

Drink

Nobody likes a drunk. Unless they are a happy drunk who gets up to wacky comedy japes to the amusement of those around you. Can YOU take your ale?

- Drunk
- Falling down drunk
- Falling down drunk with vomit
- Falling down drunk with vomit and accidental urination
- Falling down drunk with vomit and accidental urination and public nudity
- Arrested for drunkenness
- Stomach pump (you big wuss - lose a point)

Nudity

Gnargh! There go your clothes. Again. But in front of how many witnesses?

- Nobody noticed
- 1-3 people
- Up to ten people
- Small crowd of curious, though strangely disgusted onlookers
- Running across the pitch at a major sporting event
- On National TV, at a national commemoration service for the victims of a particularly gruesome disaster, attended by senior members of the Royal Family (ten thousand points)

Toilet

Only the entirely manky can live without using the facilities provided. Please wash your hands. Or not. Your choice.

You've done a poo. Where?

- In the toilet
- In a toilet reserved for the opposite sex
- In a toilet reserved for disabled people of the opposite sex
- Outside a chip shop
- Inside a chip shop
- In a Tesco carrier bag
- On somebody else
- On a celebrity
- On a member of the Royal family at a national commemoration service for the victims of a particularly gruesome disaster

Masturbation

You filthy wanker. Where, exactly, has the bishop been bashed?

- In the privacy of your own home
- On the kitchen table
- On the kitchen table at dinner time
- At work (twenty bonus points if you cracked one out in the board room)
- On the main stage at Glastonbury Festival
- Front row, national commemoration service etc etc etc

Sex

And now we moved onto the advanced stuff.

Have you ever, like… you know… done it? With a lady? Or, if you are a lady, with a man?

If so, send pictures. For research purposes. Yes. Research.

- Yes. Yes I have.
- With an A-list celebrity (five points)
- Paris Hilton (zero points)
- Ann Noreen Widdecombe, over the bonnet of a Ford Escort at a popular Kentish dogging spot, whilst telling horrified, yet strangely transfixed onlookers that "It's just something to practice on, right?" (all the points in the world)

Results:

Tot up your score, and by using random numbers picked from a Chinese Takeaway menu, turn it into a percentage. How, we say, how manky are you?

0-30%: You are this: not manky. In fact, you certainly live a hopelessly sheltered life and are probably unaware that you possess genetalia.

30-55%: You may think that you are manky, but that copy of Fiesta in your bedside cabinet and a pair of crusty Y-Fronts aren't going to fool anyone. I bet you wash your hands after touching a vicar.

55-80%: Impressive. You are Mank with a capital M, and are probably on first name terms with most of your local magistrates. When projectile vomiting becomes an Olympic Sport, you'll be right up there in the medals.

80-99%: I bow down in your presence, Lord High King of Mank, except you'd probably chuck lumps on the back of my head. Clergy, small fluffy animals and Jerry Springer bodyguards fell as you approach. Your corrupting influence defines the vision of Hell for at least three major religions, while the US Government has promoted you to "Axis of Really, Really Evil". Jolly well done.

100%: You are Kate Moss. Or John Leslie. Or the hideously cruel and disfigured offspring of the two. You scare me. Have you ...um... got any plans for this evening?