Condensed Films: The Empire Strikes Back
We just can't leave it alone. Another in our series of classic and recent films, beaten with a big stick and turned into something even your average granny-beating street-corner Chav could understand. As long as he's got someone to read it out to him.
Star Wars V: Teh Empire Strokes Back, LOL
L. Skywalker: Hello. I am L. Skywalker and I am excellent. So excellent, in fact, I am stuck on an ice planet with P. Leia in a see-through dress. They're like hat pegs. LOL
D. Vader: Hello. I am D. Vader and I am excellent. Today, I shall be mostly killing rebel scum, including my two children who I have - despite my l33t 51th p0w3rz - completely failed to recognise.
Mr Bronson out of Grange Hill: You! Boy! Bring this starship out of hyperspace! Oh. We appear to have missed and now the rebel scum are shooting at us.
D. Vader: You arse, Bronson. FFS.
Mr Bronson out of Grange Hill: Yes. GLAAARK! And now I am dead.
L. Skywalker: ONOZ! It is teh EMPIRE!
H. Solo: Hey! Those tanks hav legs LOL! Oh. They are killing us to death, FFS
L. Skywalker: Run away! I appear to have crashed on the Planet Shithole.
Yoda: Hello. Yoda am I and excellent am I too, even if sounding like Grover from Seasame Street is my voice.
L. Skywalker: What? WHAT? Are you mental or something?
Yoda: FFS. A Jedi teaching Skywalker will I be Luke.
L. Skywalker: What?
Yoda: Side the of dark avoid Luke must you. Oh. I am dead.
L. Skywalker: Remember kids - drugs fuck you up.
H. Solo: Hello. I am H. Solo and I am excellent. I too have escaped from the ice planet with Princess See-Through Dress, and the news is that the air conditioning on the Millennium Falcon has packed up and they are still like organ stops. A hub a hub a hub a hub hub.
C. Bacca: Waaaargh! LOL
H. Solo: Luckily, I have landed at my best mate's sky-base where we will be totally 100 per cent safe from teh BAD GUYZ. ROFFLE.
Teh BAD GUYZ: Hello! LOL
Sky-base owning best mate: Whoops. Fckd up, d00d.
H. Solo: Oh. Now I am deep frozen. PWN3D
P. Leia: Me, me, me. That's all it ever is with you. I've got to do teh sexxxus with J. The Hutt, and my dress is now even more see-through.
L. Skywalker: Hello! I am back slightly too late to save you all! LOL!
D. Vader: Die in a fire, Rebel Scum!
L. Skywalker: U klld my father!
D. Vader: No, L. Skywalker, I am yr father, and thank fckery that it has finally come back to me.
L. Skywalker: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMFG! You also appear to have cut my hand off.
D. Vader: LOLOLOL!
L. Skywalker: My dad's a cnt. Also: I appear to have fallen off this sky-base. ONOZ! Luckily, I have landed on H. Solo's ship. Result.
C. Bacca: Waaargh! LOL
L. Skywalker: Now to plan my revenge on Evil Death Star Building Cnt of a Dad. I'm so going to punch him in the cock and force an Ewok up his bottom. ROFFLE
Ghost Yoda*: Remember - anger to the dark side leads.
L. Skywalker: You still here? FFS.
Ghost B. Kenobi: I am also still here. Hello!
L. Skywalker: God, this is worse than Most Haunted.
Ghost B. Kenobi: Remember, L. Skywalker - dead Jedis are watching you masturbate. LOLZERZ!
L. Skywalker: Isn't that supposed to be 'May Teh FORCE b wiv u?'
Ghost B. Kenobi: No. No it is not. Wanker.
* Yes, yes, I know Yoda doesn't die until the next film. But nobody stopped George Lucas changing the plot, the effects and whole characters between various editions as it suited him. I, too, am making it up as I go along.