The best Christmas Walford's ever seen
Following on from the success of my LOL-tastic condensed films, I am undertaking my largest project to date: the BBC's long-running, cheery tale of everyday chirpy cockney follk, EastEnders.
Of course, boiling 22 years of murder, misery and Queen Vic knees-ups down to several hundred carefully-chosen words is bound to turn me old, wrinkled and bitter like Pauline Fowler on the blob, so I will be needing a little help.
Your help, otherwise the whole thing will just contain thirty-seven instances of "Shut it, slag", jokes about Ethel's Little Willy and people going LOLOLOL at Grunt Mitchell's tiny trouser snake. This would be entertainment in itself, but not the neat précis of life in Walford (Twin town: Gomorrah) I was looking for.
This, then, as a sneaky peak at the half-baked work-in-progress, is what I've done to date. So far it lacks plot, direction, and any kind of sense whatsoever.
Help me out. Help.
EastEnders - The whole 22 years
"Shut it shalaaag!"
"You're barred! Shlaaaag"
*goes mental* *dies*
"Hello, I am Tucker Jenkins and I am excellent. However, I have got the Good AIDS and will die any minute. Whoops, there I go."
"Oooh, Mr Popodopoulos"
D. Den: *dies, again*
"Nice cup of tea"
"You shlaaaaag, Well'ard"
M. McCutcheon: This is going to be the best Christmas Walford's ever seen. Oh. I am dead, and appearing in variety.
I. Beale: Plz to not flush my head dn teh shitta!
P. Mitchell: LOLOLZ!
I. Beale: ONOZ! *gargle*
You're right. Maybe I should tackle something a little bit simpler. Coronation Street. Or Top Gear.