Regular readers will know that I once spent cash money on Dan Brown's mega-selling pulp novel The Da Vinci Code to see what the fuss was about, before throwing it, in disgust, out of a train window.
Here, then, is a similar treatment meted out to the bloated movie version of the same, staring Tom Hanks, French crumpet Audrey Tatou, Doc Ock out of Spiderman and that bloke from Allo Allo. I think.
Voldemort dies at the end, you know.
Le Da Vinci Code
Future Dead Guy: Bonsoir. Je suis teh curator at Le Louvre et je suis formidable. Also: I have been shot by a monk. Ooh la la.
Creepy Silas: LOLOLOL *cough* Sixth Commandment *cough* whippywhippywhippy.
Cardinal Doc Ock: LOLOLOL! This will make us rich! RICH! Although I shall never make it clear how this is the case.
T. Hanks: Hello. I am T Hanks and I am excellent. You might remember me from such cinematic triumphs as Forrest Gump and Bachelor Party. Today, I shall be mostly having a money fight with Dan Brown whilst attempting to see A. Tatou's bosoms. Excuse me while I talk to this Gallic-looking police officer.
Les Cops: Good moaning. Plose come with me to the Loo. We have found a biddy.
T. Hanks: WTF?
Les Cops: A biddy. Someone has been shit. LUL.
A. Tatou: Listen very carefully I will say zis only once. Les Cops r stitching u up for ze murder of my grandfather.
T. Hanks: ONOZ!
A. Tatou: Also, he has 'ad you bugged. With a bug. FFS.
T. Hanks: ONOZ! Luckily, I have thrown teh bug out of teh window, so Les Cops think I have escaped. Now to spend several hours wondering around a murder scene surrounded by Europe's most expensive art works, where there appears to be no security whatsoever.
A. Tatou: Luckily, my poor, dead grandfather 'as written clues all over ze Mona Lisa and several other priceless works, before stripping naked and painting himself with his own blood. I often worried about him, the manky old bugger. LOL
T. Hanks: Why, I ask, didn't the spack-handed oaf didn't just pick up a phone? Now I am in teh shit. FFS. Now I have to find the Holy Grail, and not a Grail-shaped beacon to be found. Jebus.
A. Tatou: Zat was my fault, and you can spank me for it later. An' zen ze oral sex. LOL
Les Cops: We 'ave been trocked. Tim Honks an' Audrey Toot Toot 'ave escooped and are on ze rin.
A. Tatou: Ecoutez et rrrrepetez! We must go to ze bank and get my grandfather's box.
T. Hanks: I'd like to get inside yr box. A hub a hub a hub a hub a hub hub.
A. Tatou: Quoi?
T. Hanks: Err... nothing. Now to plunder yr grandad's Swiss bank account. ROFFLE.
A. Tatou: Now to type in my grandfather's bank PIN code, which, like every old duffer he has written in large numerals on the floor of his place of work. FFS
T. Hanks: Lovely, lovely cash! WTF! Is that it? A bastard puzzle box? Yr grandfather was a terrible dick, A. Tatou.
A. Tatou: Yes. But inside is the secret of Teh Holy Grail and untold riches. LOL
T. Hanks: Run away!
A. Tatou: Run away!
T. Hanks: We will hide at the home of my gd friend Sir Lee Magneto, who is not a villain at all and can be entirely trusted not to steal Teh Grail and kill us 2 deth. LOLZ.
Magneto: Hello. I am Magneto and I am
Cardinal Doc Ock: He's not wrong, you know. Wa-Hey-HEY!
Les Cops: Good moaning. This is ze poloose. Com oot with your hands op! And that inclodes you, you dirty English knnnnnn-ight!
T. Hanks: We cannot. We are in a life-or-death struggle with Creepy Silas. LOLZ!
Creepy Silas: Ouch! Now I am captured. Now I will never get that puzzle box with the fiendish combination that has defeated the intellects of generations and holds the last secret of Our Lord Jebus. FFS.
A. Tatou: Run away!
Magneto: Plz to run away in my private jet.
Les Cops: They hov ron away again. Oh, bigger.
T. Hanks: Hello London! LOL! Oh. We are in the wrong church, becos we have been sold a huge red herring and I have also let Silas run away.
D. Brown: LOLOL! I certainly know how to write 'em.
Magneto: Yes. And now I shall double-cross you becos I am really a terrible bastard. ROFFLE!
A. Tatou: Listen very carefully, I shall say zis only once: you are a terrible bastard.
Magneto: I am such a terrible bastard I shall also double-cross Creepy Silas and Cardinal Doc Ock. LOLOLOL!
Cardinal Doc Ock: What? Oh. Shit. God. I wish I'd had an easy job. Like the Spanish Inquisition. Or a lumberjack. At least I'd get to keep the frock. PWN3D!
Creepy Silas: Arse. Now I am teh DED. So much for sustained menace, Brown, you dick.
T. Hanks: We are in yr Westminster Abbey decyphering yr grandfather's childishly easy clue to open this code box which has defeated the intellects of generations and holds the last secret of Our Lord Jebus.
A. Tatou: I bet it's something really simple, like 'apple'.
T. Hanks: A-P-P-L-E. Oh. It is. What a load of utter CUNT. FFS
A. Tatou: My grandfather really was a total dick, wasn't he? LOLZERZ.
Magneto: I'll take that. Yoinks!
Les Cops: Stip! In ze name of the loo! Also: Good moaning.
Magneto: What? Me? Oh, FFS. PWN3D.
Les Cops: I have realoosed that I was dibble-crossed and plooed like a potsy by Cardinal Dick Ock. You are under arrost, Mognootoo. I must apolojooz to you Tim Honks and A. Tootoo.
A. Tatou: LOLOLOL!
Les Cops: Although, to be perfectly frank Miss Tatou,and if you don't mind me saying, you have lost all the sexuality, charm, wit and allure you displayed so effortlssly in Amelie. That's Hollywood, babe.
T. Hanks: Not that I care. I got 18 mill for this one. Yusssss! To Scotch Scotchland! Jocks Waheeeey!
A. Tatou: Pardon? All I got was five euros and ten years' supply of soap. One bar.
T. Hanks: Errr... Nothing. Here, look in this unlocked and utterly unguarded basement of a major tourist attraction - the complete family tree of Jebus H Christ and his manly-looking slattern of a wife, M. Magdalene. Good Lord, A. Tatou! You ARE JEBUS!
A. Tatou: Well, that's a turn-up. No wonder they kept it so well hidden. LOL. Where is grail?
T. Hanks: Grail is on the other side of that gorge. I must answer this man's questions three, it turns out.
D. Brown: It's what? The other-side-of-the-gorge thing's been done? Heaven forbid that I plagiarise someone else's work. Bury the bloody thing in the Louvre for God's sake.
TEH END. Or is it?
Every day, forever:
Louvre tour guide: Good moaning. A bog welkim to ze Louver to your coach porty.
Wilbur Wilbkovsky IV of Pigdick, Arkansas: Can you show us the Holy Grail? We ain't leavin' till we seen it.
Louvre tour guide: Ur dead meat, D. Brown
D. Brown: LOLOLOLOLOLOL!