Love Shack. Fucking Love Shack. This is a song over which I will happily commit murder, and I would get off on grounds of provocation.Why then, do the jokers than run wedding discos always, always play Love Shack? Is there a contractual obligation, or do people sidle up to the DJ booth, ask "Got any Spandau Ballet?" and get the B-52s by way of a collective punishment for all of us?
I went to a wedding this very weekend - the same clan that brought us the infamous Wedding From Hell - and, naturally, the bastard played Love Shack, so I let the tyres down on his Transit van and shoved his two-turntables-and-a-microphone where the sun don't shine.
I can tell you the exact moment the occaion turned into a riot. It was during the speech given by the bride's father: "She's been a wonderful daughter. Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth."
Drunken voice from the back: "And she's spreadable!"
Things went downhill from there.
So, and getting back on track, instead of giving money to a bloke with three red lights in a box and a bubble machine swiped from the Early Learning Centre, why not just pull together a compilation album to welcome the happy couple to a future of joyless drudgery, misery and desperate flirting with a supermarket cashier? Saves time, money, and Misty's already suggested "Too Drunk to Fuck", as usual.
Ladies an' Gennelmen - your suggestions please, for The
Tammy Wynette - D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
Soft Cell - Tainted Love
Ugly Kid Joe - Everything about you
John Lennon - I'm losing you
U2 - I still haven't found what I'm looking for
Dead Kennedys - Too drunk to fuck
The Clash - Should I stay or should I go now
Kaiser Chiefs - I predict a riot
Suggest-me-up! Quickie divorce for the best one.
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