On mobile phone etiquette
A bit of useful advice to all of you.
And it is this: Always switch your mobile phone ringer off when you go somewhere that might cause other people offence.
An exam hall, for example. Or the 'Quiet Carriage' on a train. Or, perhaps, a library, or when visiting relatives in a hospital (where as we know, your mobile phone might interfere with the vital equipment which provides immensely expensive phone services to customers …err... patients).
The long and the short of it is this: People just don't want to hear your oh-so-funny ring tone. It might have been a laugh the first time you heard it, but, frankly, it's a total load of wank.
I should know. For, foolishly, I ignored the advice, written in stern-looking lettering on the door, and when the fella in charge of the whole shebang told us all to switch off mobile phones I did not.
So, I only had myself to blame when the not-as-funny-as-when-I-first-heard-it sound of the Star Wars Imperial March blasted across the hall to the withering stares of my companions.
The second bit of advice here is not to compound your actions by answering said phone and speaking into it in a very loud Dom Joly-esque voice. For that is also wrong, and generally frowned upon.
Star Wars Imperial March.
A mumbled "Oh, hang on, it's me."
And then, at 100 decibels:
"Hi! I'm in a funeral!"
And: "No. No I do not need a loan. I've told you before. Piss off."
It's what she would have wanted.
And while we're here - the irony of a large sign reading "It is against the law to smoke in this building" on the wall of the Crematorium was not lost. I am relieved to learn that they only use smokeless fuels and only the freshest dead people.