Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Tales of Mirth and Woe which may never, ever get told

Tales of Mirth and Woe which may never, ever get told

I have decided, in my wisdom of the years, to compile a list of those Tales of Mirth and Woe which may never, ever get told. This is mainly because should I ever include them on this site of a Friday, I may be condemned by my slanderous peers of telling a pack of complete and utter lies.

Here then, in a fit of publish-and-be-damned is a list of school teachers who made my school days such wonderful, wonderful fun.

Dr Shipman: Biology teacher, whose lessons, attended by an ever-dwindling number of pupils were marked by a gritty, yet perplexing realism. Left to pursue his dream of getting into the Guinness Book of Records

Frau Schuster: Derived a series of punishments in her German lessons for the incorrect use of the definite article. Woe betide if you should use the nominative instead of dative, as transgressors would be locked in a stock cupboard for up to a week, with only handfuls of rancid meat by way of sustenance.

The aftermath of Paul Hackett's inadvertent use of a genitive "des" during her time of the month had to be covered up by the board of governors.

Mr Sakamoto: Replacement German teacher. Could not speak a word of German. Or English, for that matter. Was given a lift home by Dr Shipman on his third day, was never seen again.

Colonel Llewellyn: Psychopathic Welsh gym teacher and former all-in wrestler. He only managed to teach one lesson, as nobody told him that "to-the-death" bare-knuckle fights were frowned upon in the 1980s.

Prof Dawkins: Religious Education, whose knowledge of the spiritual consisted only of the practical exploitation of the Cthulhu mythos and its use in the complete destruction of Portsmouth Football Club. A man for whom the phrase "split from arse to tit" was invented.

Father Cthulhu: Prof Dawkins' replacement. A devout Catholic priest, his appointment marking the darkest day in our school's history.

Mr Collins, aka 'The Penguin': Forced an entire metalwork class to take acid and watched, laughing until the urine ran down his false leg, as thirteen-year-old stoners ran amok with lathes, drills and blowtorches, leaving dozens with hideous injuries and deformities.

What a terrible, terrible SHIT.

Ah, the best days of our lives.

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