Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Condensed Films: Star Wars I - The Phantom Menace

Condensed Films: Star Wars I - The Phantom Menace

Once again we take a well-known cinematic work, boil it down and spit it out again in the easy-to-understand language of today's youth. Today, we save you from George Lucas's ridiculously-titled Star Wars prequel.


Star Wars I: TEH PHANTUM MENUS

Q.G. Gin-an-tonic: Hello: I am Qui Gon Gin-an-Tonic and I am excellent. Today, I shall be mostly negotiating a trade deal with some toad-faced aliens, and when they get nasty, I shall KILL THEM TO DETH! LOL

O. Kenobi: Hello. I am Obi-Wank Enobi and I am excellent, though I am thinking of changing my name. I am tagging along with Gin-an-Tonic here for some red-hot lightsabre action. Bzzzzz - wrrrrb - ksssst - LOL

Toad-faced Aliens: Hurr hurr we have lured TEH JEDIS into a trap. KILL THEM TO DETH and launch TEH INVASION FLEET!

Q.G. Gin-an-tonic: ONOZ!

O. Kenobi: Bzzzzz - wrrrrb - ksssst - LOL. I love being a Jedi. Fckng best job in the universe. ROFL

Q.G. Gin-an-tonic: Stuff this for a laugh. We have escaped to Naboobs. Oh, FFS, what's happening now?

O. Kenobi: Is it TEH INVASION FLEETS?

J. J. Binks: Meesa total cuntbubble

O. Kenobi: Oh, WANK.

J. J. Binks: Meesa help you escape, LOL

Q.G. Gin-an-tonic: May I also say "Oh, WANK"

B. Blessed: SHOUTY SHOUTY SHOUTY! J. J. BINKS IS A TOTAL CUNTBUBBLE. PS GORDON'S ALIIIIIVE!

J. J. Binks: Meesa help you rescue Q. Amidala.

B. Blessed: SHOUTY SHOUTY SHOUTY! JUST DON'T BRING J. J. BINKS BACK PS GORDON'S ALIIIIIVE!

O. Kenobi: By the way, what's this Q. Amidala like? Is she TEH HOTNESS?

Q. Amidala: whiny whiny whiny

O. Kenobi: Oh.

Q.G. Gin-an-tonic: I suppose we had better rescue you from TEH INVASION FLEETS

Q. Amidala: whiny whiny whiny

Q.G. Gin-an-tonic: We has rescued you from TEH INVASION. Now we are trapped on Tatooine. Twin town: Poo. FFS.

O. Kenobi: A hive of wretched scum and villainy.

Q.G. Gin-an-tonic: That's Episode IV, you arse.

O. Kenobi: Soz. LOL

D. Vader Jr: Hello! My name is Annie Skywalker and I am excellent

B. Kenobi: LOLOL! A girl's name - you haz one

D. Vader Jr: Very funny Kuntobi. You iz teh one wearing TEH DRESS!

Q.G. Gin-an-tonic: An engine. We needs one.

D. Vader Jr: To cut a long story short, I can get you one by winning a pod race in unlikely circumstances, despite being only nine years old, my only previous accomplishment being the building of a homosexual robot out of a Build Your Own Homosexual Robot kit

C3-R2D2-PO: I'll scratch your eyes out

Q.G. Gin-an-tonic: Arse. Anyone got any better ideas?

O. Kenobi: I've got a sign that says "Get it here". Does that help?

Q.G. Gin-an-tonic: Not after last time, Bummy-Wan Kenobi. I suppose we're going to have to gamble the entire fate of the universe against a kid with a girls' name.

D. Vader Jr: It's wankers like you that'll turn me to the Dark Side, mark my words.

Pod Race: Zoom zoom explody zoom zoom

D. Vader Jr: YaY! I am teh l33t3st!

Mrs Vader (Actual movie line): Oh It's so wonderful, Annie. You have brought hope to those who have none. Christ on a bike - who wrote this shit?

O. Kenobi: w00t! We has an engine!

Dave Maul: No, you has not. DIE IN A FIRE!

O. Kenobi: RUN AWAY! FFS

D. Vader Jr: See that Q. Amidala bird? When she grows up, I'm gonna have 'er. LOL

Q. Amidala: whiny whiny whiny

D. Vader Jr: A hub a hub a hub hub hub

Y. Oda: Evil, this boy is.

Q.G. Gin-an-tonic: He has TEH MIDI CHLORIANS

Y. Oda: Scabies I had once. LOL

D. Vader Jr: Plz to let me be a JEDI

S.L. Jackson: No. You is evil and the kind of person who'd put motherfuppin' snakes on a motherfuppin' star cruiser LOL

Q.G. Gin-an-tonic: FFS, this is boring. We is going back to Naboobs. At least a man can get laid there.

J. J Binks: Meesa coming too.

O. Kenobi: FFS. You still here?

Q. Amidala: whiny whiny whiny

Q.G. Gin-an-tonic: We is back on Naboobs. We must do TEH TEAMWORK to beat TEH BADDIES, LOL

B.BLESSED: YES! WE WILL HELP YOU FIGHT TEH BADDIES. PS GORDON'S ALIVE!

O. Kenobi: Jolly good.

Q. Amidala: And I was pretending to be my hand-maiden all along. Pretty neat trick, eh?

Q. G Gin-an-Tonic: Actually, we couldn't give a shit, to be honest you dreary moo. FFS

D. Vader Jr: When I'm older, I'm going to see you NEKKID. LOLOL

Q. Amidala: whiny whiny whiny

D. Vader Jr: Hurry up and grow some bosoms. LULZ

Q. Amidala: whiny whiny whiny whiny whiny whiny *sigh* he so cute

Dave Maul: Now I must kill you. KILL YOU TO DETH! LOLOLOLZ

Q. G Gin-an-Tonic: Oh. Ouch. FFS.

O. Kenobi: Oh, you shit-cake. Bzzzzz - wrrrrb - ksssst - ROFL

Dave Maul: Ouch. My legs. They have fallen off. LOL

J. J. Binks: And meesa won teh battle with my hilarious prat-falling. Plz to buy Star Wars merchandise so Mr Lucas can afford a neck transplant.

B. Blessed: GORDON'S ALIVE!

D. Vader Jr: And despite being nine years old, I have been allowed to take part in a vicious space battle and have KILLED TEH TOAD FACED ALIENS TO DETH! LOLOLOL

O. Kenobi: W00t! Teh planet Naboobs. We has freed it from TEH EVIL TYRANNY

Q. Amidala: whiny whiny whiny

O. Kenobi: However, not wanting to piss on this mightily fine parade, nobody actually made it clear what, exactly, TEH PHANTUM MENUS actually was. LULZ

TEH IMPERIAL EMPEROR: That's what you think. ROFL

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