Thursday, December 06, 2007

IKEA Criminal Mastermind II

IKEA Criminal Mastermind II

The big, fat and not entirely accurate dictionary on my desk defines 'karma' thussly:

Karma: noun.
1. Hinduism & Buddhism Action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation

2. John Lennon: Getting the whole lot in one easy-to-manage payment (See Goody, J)

On our recent trip to IKEA in Bristol, we returned home with a nice storage unit, a cutlery set and over 350 stolen pencils, only a few of which were used against local tramps with deadly force.

Having decided against using our swag for evil, the storage unit will come in handy as somewhere to keep all the pencils until the day of the Great Flood, when they shall be fashioned into some sort of raft to save us from the rising waters.

This is the kind of forward planning you don't get in 'Protect and Survive', I can tell you for nothing.

Alas, there is no accounting for the delicate balance of the universe, and so it turns out that karma feels the need to punish us over our petty larceny.

Our brand spanking new cutlery set, for example. Hand-crafted on the thighs of delightful 18-year-old Swedish blondes, it was left outside in a bucket as per the detailed Swedish-language instructions, and has gone rusty and looks like it's been dipped in poo.

If that wasn't bad enough, those Scandiwegian curs at IKEA won't take them back without a receipt because they think that I am some sort of crook.

If it wasn't for the fact that when the world pencil shortage kicks in - the result of IKEA trashing the Brazilian rain forests for fresh pencil stocks - I shall be a millionaire, and I will never set foot in their warehouse ever again.

I just hope that karma's finished with me over this. I gather that if you half-inch more than 1,000 pencils from IKEA, they send their delightful blonde enforcers round, and grown men have been found impaled and KILLED TO DEATH on their ill-gotten gains.

If this is the case, I shall resort to the kind of petty theft that benefits the whole nation: Tesco wine bottle holders.

On any other business

I have just rediscovered the writings of my blogging arch-nemesis Tired Dad, and he is excellent. Somebody, somewhere give the man a book deal.

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