Condensed Movies: Star Wars II - Attack of the Clones
We're over the worst of it, as we reach George Lucas's sprawling meisterwerk Attack of the Clones. Drawing on the likes of Pushkin, Wilde, Tolstoy and Barbara Cartland, Lucas has weaved a pile of inpenetrable bollocks that we - for the greater good - have boiled down to a few hundred words in the easy-to-understand language of L33T SP33K.
Star Wars II: Attack of TEH CLOWNS
O. Kenobi: Hello. I am Obi-Wan Kenobi and I am excellent. Today, my padowan learner Anakin Skywalker and I shall be mostly guarding the dreary Queen Amidala, who is the target of assassins unknown.
Geoff Vader Jr: Wanker
O. Kenobi: What was that, youngling? I detect a disturbance in TEH FORCE within you
Geoff Vader Jr: In my trousers more like, LOL. That Queen Amidala is TEH HOTNESS. A hub a hub a hub a hub hub
O. Kenobi: Alas, you have taken a vow, and the only action you will be seeing is with your right hand.
Geoff Vader Jr: WTF? Die in a fire, you bastard
O. Kenobi: You'll be the death of me, my padowan learner
Geoff Vader Jr: Yes. Yes I will. LULZ
Q. Amidala: whinywhinywhiny OMFG! Someone's trying to kill me TO DETH. With centipedes! whinywhiny
O. Kenobi: Don't worry, we has killed them TO DETH instead, LOL
Y. Oda: Geoff Vader, protect the whiny moo you must
S. L. Jackson: Take the motherfuppin' bitch back to motherfuppin' Naboobs where no motherfuppin' assassin can motherfuppin' kill her
Y. Oda: And with her TEH SEXUSS do not have
Geoff Vader Jr: Bunch of wankers
Y. Oda: About him there is something I do not like
O. Kenobi: Hey, don't all look at me, FFS. I'm off to kill TEH BAD GUYS to DETH. Fuck, I love being a Jedi
Q. Amidala: whinywhinywhiny Here we are - back home on Naboobs. Plz to have TEH SEXUSS with me
Geoff Vader Jr: I cannot, FFS. A vow - I has made one
Q. Amidala: I've got bosoms
Geoff Vader Jr: W00T! And: A hub a hub a hub hub hub
O. Kenobi: I feel something SEXXXY in TEH FORCE. And here I am somewhere on the outer rim with only a droid for company. A SEXXXY droid. Heh. I said "Rim"
Very Tall Alien: Hello, sir. Can we help you?
O. Kenobi: Fuck me, you're tall. I mean... err... I am a L33T JEDI
Very Tall Alien: Ah! You must be here to collect your clowns
O. Kenobi: WTF?
Very Tall Alien: Your clowns. Count Duckula ordered them ten years ago. They are ready. Take them. Please. They're driving us fucking mental
O. Kenobi: WTF? Clowns?
Very Tall Alien: Yes. Cloned Clowns. Cloned Clowns cloned from Coco teh Clown from Colombia. FFS.
O. Kenobi: Can I go now?
Coco Fett: Die Jedi scum!
O. Kenobi: ONOZ! Itz Coco teh bounty hunter (children's parties a speciality)
Coco Fett: I'm going to kill you TO DETH LOLZ
O. Kenobi: Run away!
Geoff Vader Jr: Piss, I'm bored. Come with me to Tatooine to rescue my mum Mrs Vader, who I have seen in my dreams getting split from arse to tit by a bunch of American Footballers
Q. Amidala: OK. You may play with my bosoms while we are in hyperspace
Geoff Vader Jr: W00T!
Mrs Vader: You haz saved me from TEH TUSKEN RAIDERS, who are not - as I had hoped - a professional American Football team of lightly-oiled, well hung athletes. Oh. I AM DED
Geoff Vader Jr: OMFG! KILL! KILL! KILL!!! LOL I am TEH EVIL
Q. Amidala: Plz to stop being TEH EVIL and come and play with my bosoms
Geoff Vader Jr: A hub a hub a hub a hub hub hub LULZ. Now we must rescue O. Kenobi, who I sense is captured by TEH EVIL Count Duckula on the Planet Koozebane
O. Kenobi: Fuck my luck. I have been captured by TEH EVIL Count Duckula on the Planet Koozebane. So much for my L33T JEDI POWERZ, FFS
S L Jackson: And while that lot have been motherfuppin' fuppin' around teh motherfuppin' galaxy, there's a motherfuppin' war starting and no motherfupper to raise a motherfuppin' army to fight teh motherfuppin' BAD GUYS. Motherfup
Dave Sidious: What we need is some gullible arse-biscuit to nominate me as galactic dictator in TEH SENATE so I can take control of the Klone Klown Klone Army. Where, I ask, would we find someone so mind-numbingly stupid to do such a thing, knowing that by their actions they are sentencing billions of poor, defenceless souls to painful death at the hands of an evil fascist dictator guided by TEH DARK SIDE?
J. J. Binks: Meesa total cuntbubble!
Dave Sidious: W00T! Teh KKK - it is mine
J. J. Binks: Meesa see what you did there. LOL
Dave Sidious: You still here?
Geoff Vader Jr: Hello, O. Kenobi, we have come to save you
Q. Amidala: ONOZ! Now we are TEH PRISONRS too.
Count Duckula: Worst. Rescue. Party. Evah! LOL
O. Kenobi: Do you expect me to talk?
Count Duckula: No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die!
Nute Bumgay: Nice one boss. I LOLed
Count Duckula: Instead of simply shooting you TO DETH like any rational person might, I am instead going to kill you TO DETH with an elaborate set-up involving wild animals in some giant stadium arrangement in front of a paying audience of some 50,000 interested spectators, all buying G. Lucas-branded merchandise at extortionate prices from my shop, after I used the fake ghost story to scare all the other merchandise sellers out of town. Oh. They have escaped
Nute Bumgay: Don't worry boss, my heavily-armed droid army will kill them TO DETH. Oh. Is there a scrap metal merchant in the house?
S L Jackson: I am motherfuppin' here to motherfuppin' rescue you. Oh. Now I am motherfuppin' captured and certain to be killed TO MOTHERFUPPIN' DETH
Coco Fett: Yoinks! Me head fell off
C3-R2D2-PO: Have mine, I'm not using it. Oh. He is TEH DED
Y. Oda: Here with teh Klone Klown Klone Army we are
Count Duckula: In which case, I shall take on any of you gaylords, mano-a-mano
O. Kenobi: Fzzzzt - wommmmmm - zzzzzzzzzzzzrbbbb. God, being a Jedi's fucking ace. Oh. I have lost.
Geoff Vader Jr: Don't worry boss, I'll have the bearded Jessie. Oh. He has cut my arm off, and there's TEH MIDI CHLORIANS all over the floor
O. Kenobi: Yaaaaaaaaarch. Sick inna hedge, I has been
Count Duckula: LOLOLOLZERS! I AM SO L33T!
Y. Oda: Out of the way, a bunch of big girls' blouses you are
Count Duckula: ONOZ! Run away!
Q. Amidala: W00T! We is TEH WINNERZ! Now to get married to Geoff Vader Jr. OMFG! Where's your arm?
Geoff Vader Jr: Could you love a cripple? A bionic arm. I HAZ ONE.
Q. Amidala: DOES NOT WANT
Geoff Vader Jr: A vibrating attachment - it haz one. And I can switch off the sensors so I can have one off the wrist and pretend it's someone else doing it. RESULT!
Q. Amidala: LOLZ I luvs ya Geoff Vader Jr
Geoff Vader Jr: I luvs ya more
Q. Amidala: No, I luvs you THIS MUCH (continue in this vein for six hours)
Count Duckula: TEH CLOWN WAR. IT HAS BEGUN
Dave Sidious: FTW! And we have TEH SECRET DETH STAR PLANS. All Your Base Belong To Us. ROFFLE
Count Duckula: Launch all Zig! For great justice! LOLOLOLOLOLOL