On the best Christmas Walford's ever seen
"I've got something to tell you," said the fragrant Mrs Duck, just as I settled down to watch Top Gear, "I've decided to be a Christian."
And: "There's lovely."
And: "This God of yours - is he going to be vengeful or forgiving?"
"In your case, he's going to strike you down dead with firey bolts from above."
"And then he's going to play table tennis with your testicles."
"And another thing. I really like Cliff Richard."
Now she's really taking the piss. This on top of the business with the (lack of) Christmas nuts - not to mention the disturbing lack of Twiglets and smelly cheese at this festive time of year.
"Anything else you might want to declare before I call a formal end to our marriage?"
"Yes. Yes there is. I want to go to the Holy Land."
"What? Southend Pier not good enough for you?"
This is going to be the best Christmas Walford's ever seen.