IKEA Criminal Mastermind
Scary's Confess-o-matic: This post previously appeared in B3TA's Question of the Week less than a month ago. In these days of global warming, I am merely recycling my hot air
Forced by your significant other to go on a family trip to IKEA?
Why not liven up an otherwise dull and boring experience by offering a prize to your offspring for the child who can steal the most pencils?
The boy Scaryduck Jr -who rattled as he walked past the tills - won with 186, pipping his sister who racked up a mere 152. A true criminal mastermind, who has earned his "Kingpin" nickname.
Subsequent shopping trips can be enlivened by stealing all the pens from your local branch of Argos and confusing the staff by replacing them all with IKEA pencils.
And there's literally pence to be made from your swag at car boot sales.
Alternatively, these devilishly-sharp Scandiwegian pencils may be employed as make-shift pungee sticks to keep tramps out of your garden; or as blow-pipe darts, also to keep tramps out of your garden.
And with Christmas fast approaching, once you have buried the rotting corpses of your local former hobos, there will be a steady stream of out-of-tune carol singers to dispatch with your newly honed Way Of The Smorgasbord deadly ninja skills.
I realise, as the evil Fagin figure behind this sorry, murderous affair which has spun wildly out of control, that I should be doing hard time in a Swedish prison - naked and soapy - forced to knit lingerie for the naked, soapy female inmates. Where do I hand myself in?