Let's parler Scaryduck!
Many have been the time on these pages when people have contacted me out of the blue and asked: "What the blummin' hell are you on about, bloke?"
Over the years, I confess, a number of running gags, in-jokes and frankly, obscure references have appeared that require a certain amount of explanation.
It is time, then, for a bit of a Scaryduck/English dictionary. Feel free to add to it in the comments, I'll add to this page throughout today.
Ann Noreen Widdecombe: The Scaryduck anti-muse. When sitting down to write a post, I will think to myself 'What's guaranteed to offend the old trout?' Also, thinking of her in the nudd is a quick, permanent solution to unwanted 'wood' problems
Done a poo: Described in the Oxford English Dictionary as "Toilet tense". While normal activity is rendered "I did a task", anything below the waist and above the knee is spoken "I done a poo", or more correctly (and simply) "Done a poo/wee/guff/rampant hand shandy"
I am not mad: A doomed attempt to prove my sanity before the men in white coats arrive
Lightly-oiled [name of female celebrity]: Not all female celebrities may be lightly-oiled (see Ann Noreen Widdecombe), but the following have been approved for future wrestling-in-a-paddling-pool events: Sarah Beeny, Kirstie Allsop, Nigella Lawson
Lucy/Biscuit/Ryan/Spanners Minogue: The standard surname given to any pet in the Duck household. Also used by a couple of Australian entertainers with fantastic bottoms
May contain traces of lie: Everything you read on these pages is 100% absolute and honest truth, so strike me down dead if I'm telling you porkies*
Poor, dead Howard Jones: An epithet given to any celebrity who has disappeared from public view to such an extent that one can reasonably assume they are dead. See also: Poor, dead Joe Dolce, Poor, dead Jade Goody
Scaryduckworth-Lewis method: A scientifically-proven way of rating things for excellence on a scale of zero to 20. The current list: IT IS HERE
Sick inna hedge: The laws of slapstick writing state that all stories about youthful misadventure should end with the words "And then I was sick inna hedge", even if this is not the case. It may not be strictly true, but them's the rules
Yaaaaaaaarch: The sound of rich, brown vomit being projected into a nearby hedgerow
* May contain traces of lie