On Room Two
"What room are you in?" asks one of my esteemed colleagues as I pick up a key to the highly-appointed overnight accommodation provided by my employers.
"Room two. Ian's got my usual penthouse suite, so I've got the room below."
"You DO know it's haunted?"
"Come off it."
"No, really, I've stayed in there and I've been woken up by this woman…"
"It wasn't the cleaners, by any chance, kicking you out in the morning?"
"...this ghostly woman, staring down at me..."
"...after I came back from the pub. Long hair. Evil looking face. Dreadful, dreadful screeching."
" It's Yoko Ono," says another colleague, clearly channelling Derek Acorah's not-made-up-at-all spirit guide Sam.
"But... but... she's not dead."
"Give me 48 hours, a baseball bat and a bathful of quicklime and that will cease to be a problem."
I am so scared, I daren't undress. And my night manipulations have gone right out of the window*.
* Not what you think
Other so-scared-you'll-burn-your-neighbour-in-a-wicker-man news
In other so-scared-you'll-burn-your-neighbour-in-a-wicker-man news, the people behind Most Haunted have launched their own TV channel – The Paranormal Channel – number 212 on Sky Digital.
Mindful of the fact that it is owned by Yvette "Aaargh!" Fielding, and more importantly, her husband Karl Beattie – a genuine Ninja master - I will say this is the best thing on television, EVER, and please don't break my legs.