A poser for you, in which your humble narrator cannot do right for doing wrong. Degree of difficulty: Involves poo.
Riddle me this: Now that those shrill answer-to-everything enviro-fascists are banning plastic bags from supermarkets, what am I supposed to do when I walk the dog?
Also: With what, pray, are we supposed to fill big holes in the ground if these Green Nazis force us to eat our own landfill? It'll be THEIR FAULT if these big holes in the ground fill with water and immigrants and this proud nation SINKS below the waves which we once, so proudly, ruled.
Lucy Minogue and I walk down to the coast path, and I wait patiently while she does a fragrant flower-scented poo, and I diligently pick it up inside a plastic bag and dump it
It is just a shame that so many of my fellow dog owners do not do the same, especially that manky bastard with the Great Dane of the man-sized turds which adorn the coast path like brown speed bumps.
Any road up, now that we are up to our waists in rising sea levels, and global warming has fried my body to a dried-up husk, it seems that I am no longer going to be able to recycle my old plastic bags by preventing the local kids from poisoning themselves to an early grave on dog shit.
Obviously, still possessing at least some modicum of a social conscious, I have to do something, because – and I am sure TV's Monty Don will agree - doggy dollops do not make great garden mulch.
Instead, I propose a ground-breaking, sterile solution for clearing up after your dog, involving the use of SCIENCE. There's money in this plan, so, if things work out, this time next year, Rodders, we'll be millionaires.
1. Allow your pooch to do her business as usualYou may – and I can see your thinking – have reservations about the use of a CO2 fire extinguisher when we are – of course – supposed to be cutting down on our CO2 emissions. Worry not – this is GOOD clean Carbon Dioxide for putting out fires and freezing dog shit, and is nothing to do with the BAD filthy planet-raping shit that comes out of VW Touaregs on the school run.
2. Spray the turd with a CO2 fire extinguisher you have liberated from work. They'll never miss it. When – answer me this – did they last have a fire? Remember: That horn gets cold cold cold, and never forget to allow yourself a means of escape, in case your flaming turd gets out of hand
3. Lift the now frozen turd with a pair of tongs or similar. The faux silver ones your significant other uses to serve dinner will be fine. You can't get killed TO DEATH off frozen turds. FACT
4. Keep the 100 per cent clean and not deadly at all deposit in the kitchen freezer until required (For example, as a gift to a local Useless Workshy Cunt of A Builder in the small hours of the morning, it being the only language this kind of person understands). There is no need to worry about food poisoning, as rampant diarrhoea can only be A Good Thing in Obese Britain these days
Your conscience will be clean. Unlike Workshy Builder's front hall, which will resemble an IRA dirty protest.