Thursday, August 06, 2015

A short guide to petty acts of revenge, some of which involving killer bees

"Sod off, I'm busy"
"Help", says a user on Reddit's United Kingdom page. "The woman across the road cut down my lavender in my front garden because one of her kids got stung by the bees whilst he was kicking a ball around it. Is there anything I can do about this... woman? It looks like she took a lawn mower to it whilst I was at work."

People only get to hear about the bad side of Reddit. The trolling, the racist and sexist sections that are slowly being weeded out, the gore pictures. But there's a good side to the site as well, and that's Redditors coming to the aid of their contemporaries when they are in distress.

In the case of this particular Redditor, the sensible answer was to put the fear of God up the Neighbour From Hell by asking the police to make a house call about the alleged trespass and criminal damage. However, the more enlightened among us know that official action is unlikely in the case of minor vandalism, what with the cops around Croydon probably not having the time and resources to dust a lawnmower for prints and DNA evidence. So, minor acts of revenge are the thing.

Of course, some people went right over the top with their suggested acts of vengeance, and we frown on the idea of wiping dog poo on her door handles, because this is wrong and won't anyone think of the kiddiewinks? It also means walking round Croydon with a handful of dog poo, and hoping that Croydon CSI don't have the time or resources to dust door handles for prints and dog poo DNA.

So, let's think out of the box. Think anonymous mail order.

  • Mail order bees are an actual thing.
  • Order 1,000 of the killer variety for your enemy
  • Allow 28 days for delivery
  • Ensure that the package reads "Shake vigorously before opening"
  • Turn yourself in to Croydon CSI when you find out she has an allergy and dies of toxic shock

As a typical resident of the United Kingdom, surely the correct response is to go full British:

  • Almost nearly say something to them
  • Nod curtly when you see them in the morning
  • Park directly outside their house
  • Plant a rumour around the neighbourhood that their bins are full of buggered watermelons and won't anyone think of the kiddiewinks?
  • Send them the second worst Christmas card in the box late on Christmas Eve when it's too late to give you one in return without it looking like they've broken some unwritten social rule

Revenge – I think you will agree – is a dish best served nervously.


Jesus of Spamalot said...

Why not plant a Lavender plant in her front garden overnight?

Order a shed load of takeaways with pay by cash and watch them from the darkness of your home and chortle like a 13yr old. (actually did this to one house as a 13 yr so funny)

Or just sign them up to every spam mail you can possibly imagine?

Mr Larrington said...

Whatever happened to doning a poo through their letter-box? It's the only language these curs understand ect. ect.

Alistair Coleman said...

Larrington: ABSO.

Said too much.

Alistair Coleman said...

ASBO, even.

Said far too much now.

Polly Neight said...

"• Mail order bees are an actual thing."
That explains this: Thieves steal 30,000 bees from Welsh farm
By EvansTheCrime | Posted: August 06, 2015
South Wales Evening Post

TRT said...

Pop the kid's balls.