Tuesday, June 15, 2004


The trouble with being an international terrorist, freedom fighter or revolutionary is the puzzle of what to do with yourself once the glorious struggle is over. Take a look at Che Guevara - he fought shoulder to shoulder with Castro, and was rewarded with a position in Fidel's revolutionary government. But instead of settling down in a nice semi-detatched with Mrs Che, he got bored with the office job, and went jaunting around South America with his biggest gun. Result: dead. That'll learn him.

You can bet your bottom dollar that the world is crawling with ageing former terrorists, trying to convince prospective employers that "1983-1987 Ulster Freedom Fighters" and "1987-2002 A-Wing Long Kesh Prison" are legitimate careers before being allowed to flip burgers. Desperately trying to go straight, what are these people doing now (apart from all that drug dealing, punishment beatings and stuff)?

I can exclusively reveal that when he's not making prank phone calls to Dr Ian Paisley ("I'll give ye Amanda Kissenhug ye fenian BASTAAARD!") former cough freedom fighter and Sinn Fein bigwig Martin McGuinness sait at home, in his favourite armchair, reminiscing over the good old days when a knee-cappingreally meant something; hand hovering over the trigger as Mrs McGuinness hogs the Sky remote again. Johnny "Mad Dog" Adair, on the other hand, hasn't masturbated so much for years.

The same goes for all those Black Novembers, Carlos the Jackals, Baader-Meinhofs, former members of Chilean and Serbian death squads and Showaddywaddy. All sitting about twiddling their thumbs (if they still possess them) waiting for the next good cause to come along so they can get out there and shoot people in the name of freedom. What a waste.

What I propose, then, is that these people should be contacted forthwith and offered gainful employment in some part of the world where they can run around with big guns and knives with harly any grown-up supervision and nobody notices if a few thousand people end up dead. Like, for example, Iraq.


Looks like somebody beat me to this brilliant idea already. Damn you arch-nemesis Rumsfeld, you win this time!

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