From the desk of S Duck esq, man of letters
Complaint to PG Tips
Dear Mr Tips,
Please find enclosed one tea bag. I think you will recognise it as one of yours.
I would like to point out that I wasted a good fifteen minutes of my life trying to make a cup of tea from this alleged teabag on the morning of 8 March 2005, unaware of the fact that it contained this much tea: bugger all.
This wasted effort and subsequent strop, which only ended when the lovely Mrs Duck suggested that I take a photo of the bloody thing "and write to the Queen for all I care", made me look an utter twat in front of my family and it is all your fault.
In restitution, I would like:
* my money back
* a new teabag, containing tea
* one of your spare monkeys
Get a grip man, or I shall start drinking coffee, and that will be all your fault as well.
Letter to HRH the Queen
If it pleases Your Majesty,
Do us a favour love, and have that PG Tips bloke locked up and relieved of important parts of his anatomy and/or monkeys.
In return, you're welcome to come stay at our place any time you like. You know how it is, what with young married hammering away and keeping you awake at all hours of the night.
I hope the camp bed's OK, like last time. But please, and I don't give a shit if you're the Queen, curfew is 10.30pm sharp.
Letter to Dracula
Dear Mr Howard,
It has come to my attention that the Conservative Party needs a little help in the propaganda department. Now, I see your party as the spawn as Satan, but little different from the lunatics in power as we speak.
So, in order to level the playing field a bit, here's a little number I knocked off last week based on one of your previous piss-poor efforts from recent years. I hope you like it.
Celebrity ambulance blogger Reynolds does a Scary. With swearing*.
* And loads of footnotes**.
** It's actually rather good***.