When a foreign business contact starts getting over-familiar with you and asks for your life story, details of your education and your inside leg measurement, I'm not one to worry unduly.
However, when they ask, in shattered English, for a photo, is it wrong that the first thought to enter your head is "clothed or undraped"? Ladies and gentlemen, it's taken long enough, but I am pleased to announce that I've got my first stalker.
"Please, in Albania we are loving Norman Wisdom films of silly, silly man. He funny haha with falling over comedy runabout games and Mr Grimsdale shout! Sending me your picture (clothing!) please. "
The St Patrick's Day Vote-me-up
As a genuine fifty per cent bog-trotting Mick, I would like to take this opportunity to say "Begorrah", "Bejebus", "Top o' the Morning" and "There is an explosive device concealed somewhere in the Grand Hotel. The code word is 'cranberry'", on today, St Patrick's Day, where everybody and their dog pretends to be distantly related to Graham Norton. I shall be celebrating by staying sober and telling people that I am, in fact, from Zimbabwe. And here is all the proof you need.
On this auspicious occasion, your votes, please, on the following five Scary Stories, faithfully matched up with this week's Top Five Fish:
5. Cubs' Camp - Salmon. Noble, swimmy. Nice with new potatoes.
4. Party - Piranha. Nasty, equally swimmy. Would steal your granny's false leg given half the chance.
3. Top Trumps - The smell-o-fish that swims up a lady's naughty bits.
2. The Age of Steam - Derek Dick. Not noted for his swimmy abilities, used to be in Marillion
1. Manhunt - The Way of the Exploding Fish. Mysterious, deadly Koi-based Japanese martial art that is hardly swimmy at all.
The Arse of Lopez says:
"Vote me do, fish fans! faaaaarp"