Inappropriate Celebrity Guests
Who says British television is dumbing down? I’ve taken the liberty of examining the transcripts of recent editions of high-brow news analysis programme Newsnight, and have found that, yes, they are still discussing the issues that matter:
Paxman: "And here to discuss Tracey Emin's challenging juxtaposition of opera, Congolese rape camps and personal female hygiene in her new exhibition at the Tate Modern: Peter Andre"
Paxman: "And joining us in the Newsnight studio to discuss the French 'Non' in its recent European referendum - and I shall say zis only once - Rene Artois from Allo Allo"
Paxman: "Unfortunately, the Home Secretary refused to discuss his latest banning order on suspected Al-Qaeda militants; so joining us instead to represent the government view is TV’s 'King of the Jungle' Joe Pasquale, with so-called comedy terrorist Aaron Barschak representing the Conservative Party."
Paxman: "And here to discuss the chronic shortage of NHS dentists in the UK – Shane McGowan."
Paxman: "Joining us in the studio to discuss the disturbing trend towards anorexia in British youth: Rik Waller"
Paxman: "To further our discussion on the vexed question of life after death, we are joined in the studio by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother and Freddie Mercury."
Paxman: "Yeeeesss… A new report highlights the dangers of funfair machinery to small children. We’re joined in the studio by millionaire funfair owner Michael Jackson…*"
Paxman: "And joining us to celebrate and discuss the far-reaching legacy of the Boney M classic ‘Ra Ra Rasputin’ on its the 27th anniversary, we are joined – live by satellite – by Russian President Vladimir Putin.
"Mr Putin – Rasputin was kept off number one by Olivia Newton John and John Travolta singing ‘Summer Nights’ – do you think this obvious snub extended the Cold War in any way?"
As they say: QE chuffin' D.
* Remember folks - he's not guilty of everything**. After far reaching analysis of the situation, it is my firm belief that after the verdict, I bet you any money that he went home and had an enormous celebratory wank.
** Except being Bad.