Letters to the Editor
Oh Lordy, he’s back again...
I note with dismay that our Bolshevik government is not going to give us, the stout-hearted British people, the chance to vote on this accursed European Constitution foisted upon us by a bunch of foul-smelling Johnny Foreigners in Brussels who’d shit in your airing cupboard given half the chance.
It is every proud Briton’s duty to stand up and tell those Nazi bureaucrats in Brussels where to stick their Common Market, a job those insufferable lefties at the UK Independence Party have sadly failed to do, despite my offer of my stockpile of World War I Lee Enfields and as much mustard gas as they could carry.
As a matter of fact, I am of the firm belief that every household in the country should be presented with a copy of this foul document just so they may destroy it in a manner of their choosing (for example, by rolling it up, varnishing it with camel’s dung and firing it out of a cannon up arch-Quisling Jack Straw’s bottom).
To this end, I hereby offer my services as Commander-in-Chief of the Free British Mounted Hussars to launch an invasion of the continent and do what even Churchill and the Duke of Wellington failed to do: wipe the filth of Europe off the face of the Earth and stand shoulder-to-shoulder with our ally George W Bush’s Fourth Reich. Sgt O’Balsam has already volunteered to take a Lancaster bomber over Paris with twenty tons of soap to teach those French Hun a lesson. Together, we can make this Empire great again!
Public meeting, 2pm Thursday, Little Dipshit Village Hall.
I am not mad.
Lt Col Winston St John Cholmondeley-Cholmondeley Patel (Mrs)
PS I see these pages have also fallen foul of EU Sarah Beeny and Kirstie Allsopp quotas. It's an Englishman's right to grease up his female television celebrities and no Brussels Eurocrat is going to stop us! Why, in my day, we'd never be seen without Valerie Singleton and a bucket of pig fat... (continued on p.95)
First class ticket to Hull, please
Alas, poor the Anne Bancroft, I hardly knew ye. So I made this glowing tribute for you.