Sky Watch

Sky Watch

I cruise Sky Digital TV channels so you don’t have to expose yourself to the tidal wave of crap television that is driving our nation into a slack-jawed stupor, just before the aliens take over. And here’s what I’ve found:

Channel 694: Your Destiny TV. Psychic predictions and horoscopes by satellite. Or rather, they would if any bugger bothered to ring in and speak to the increasingly desperate presenters. Often spends several hours at a time in caption, begging punters to call the station at 1.50 GBP per minute for a pointless reading of the runes.

Programming comes live from what appears to be a cupboard under the stairs - with all the production finesse of a wedding video – featuring a pairs of orange-tanned evening dress clad harpies making it up as they go along. For people who claim to have a regular commune with the dead, they seem to spend an awful lot of time corpsing.

A true gem – tune in before it goes bust. I give them six weeks, tops.

Channel 531: Fox News. Fast. Fair. Fox. Fucking awful. In particular, the so-called “No-Spin Zone” of the O’Reilly Factor, where Bill O’Reilly does nothing but spin hate-fuelled invective at anyone who doesn’t tow the (Republican) Party line. Will always feature two guests for any discussion, both of whom will agree with him vehemently, before plugging their book on how liberals give you cancer. O’Reilly will them round off with a few toadying not-made-up-at-all e-mails, and a plug for his book, the frighteningly named “O’Reilly Factor for Kids”. Straight for the target audience, then.

A true guilty pleasure.

829: Al Jazeera. Fair. First. Scary. Helps if you speak Arabic, but not entirely essential. Still ten times more informative than Fox. English version due by 2006, Jazeera fans.

Anywhere from 630-670: Cloned shopping channels. “And when you switch the juicer on you’ll hear THAT IT’S WHISPER QUIET!” Also: Always a steam cleaner, gym equipment and that balding bloke selling No-Wet Wonder Foam.