"I don't do requests"
So, I did a lovely Nativity scene last week, and I haven't gone to Hell yet.
"Go on, do the Adoration of the Maji", you said, egging me on. Here I am, then, doing the Adoration of the Maji, which, as you well know, is impossible to do without the words "Led by a star? Led by a bottle, more like!" setting up camp in my brain and refusing to move out. Three Wise Men, completely Brian of Nazareth-free. If that's possible.
From the Gospel of St Albert, the pathological liar
15 Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the East End to Bethlehem; and, lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it came and stood over where the young child was.
16 And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; a set of golf clubs, an electric screwdriver with a built-in FM radio and a subscription to Judaean Babes; and Joseph said: sorted.
17 And Mary said: Didst thou not bring a gift for the child? He is Our Lord and Saviour, you know. And the wise man Balthazar said: Who do you think we are, three blummin' queens? You just can't get Myrrh these days. No call for it, bloke at B&Q tells us. And Melchoir said: C'mon Joe, why don't you get away from the old ball-and-chain and join us in the Royal Suite for a few bevvies? Casper's got some lady-friends who are keen to see your carpenter's tool.
18 And Joseph said: sorted, again.
19 And Mary was much vexed and sayeth: What in the name of slippery Elvis do you mean 'suite'? All the inns in this town are full, and we are forced to sleep in this barn amongst the cows and the sheep and the asses and the fowls. It's no place to give birth to the Son of God, I can tell you for nothing. Frankly this is worse than the time we went on holiday to Canaa, you know Joseph, when the goat split on us. It bloody stinks in here, and I'm certain the innkeeper's done something deeply unpleasant to our little donkey.
20 And the wise men did smirk greatly and sayeth: It's bloody marvellous being king, innit?
21 And seeing that Mary was much vexed and reaching for a pitchfork, the wise men relenteth and said: Keep your hair on Mrs, here's a couple of tickets for a flight to Egypt. Kids go free an' everything. Can't get fairer than that, can you? We was just saying to Herod - it's murder this time of year.
An... err.. Request
Over-competitive blogger writes: Go here and vote for the blog of the week.
Now, I'm not telling you to vote for me, because that would be A Bad Thing. But: I'll give you any money.