In weekly parts…
It's that time of year again, when those hideous partwork magazines appear in WH Smiths for their annual airing. You know the ones - "building up in weekly parts, you too will able to build a life-size replica of the Titanic in the luxury of your own home".
The ones that come with a free binder in part one, but mysteriously disappear after part two, when the 99p cover price goes up to £5.99. The ones where the collections of Michael Caine movies suddenly start churning out the ones he made to fulfill contractual obligations. The one called "Tanks of World War II" where part seven features the septic one in your back garden. The never-ending ones about infamous murderers, Hitler and Dad's Army.
And "I Love Horses".
If only they made them more interesting. I would, for example, seriously consider spending good money on Practical Ninjitsu magazine, especially if they've got free nunchuks with issue two, and a free black face-mask with every subscription.
Coming soon then, from deScaristini Publications:
* Slimes and Moulds of the World
* The Ron Jeremy Movie Collection
* Build your own Noel Edmonds (with FREE BEARD in Part Two!)
* Knitting patterns of the Crimean War
* "Wanna be in my Gang?": The Gary Glitter Story
* Crossroads: The Complete Collection
Would I, your humble author rip you off? Send me money and find out!
As we draw a veil over another year, I look back and ask myself: What have I achieved? Bugger all, that's what. OK, so I have the love of my wife and family, my emergence as a proper journalist, and finally gaining my Open University degree. But did Kirstie Allsop and Sarah Beeny accept my invitation to join the World Wrestling in a Bath of Baby Oil Federation? They did not, and on that reckoning, 2005 both sucked AND blowed.
So, let's see the year off with a vote-o for this week's final Scary Story of 2005, along with my New Year's Resolutions for 2006. Some of them might even be genuine. But which ones? Which? Which?
* The Operator: I pledge to use my powers for evil as the Old, Dark Ones intended, and will start by dropping small change into pub urinals
* Dazed and Confused: I pledge to register World-Wrestling-in-a-Bath-of-Baby-Oil-Federation.com with the relevant authorities and cut through all that "Busy having a baby" / "My millionaire financier boyfriend won't approve" nonsense from you-know-who.
* Potman: I pledge - and tough one, this - to cut down on references to "done a poo" on this website
* Driving Test: I pledge to stop sellotaping my dog Lucy Minogue's ears together for a cheap laugh*. They don't go big on that kind of thing at Crufts.
* Now, that's Magic! : I pledge to obey my legal obligations and remain greater than ten yards from celebrity Oompa-Loompa Dale Winton.
* Dibs: I pledge to stop smoking and use Vaseline like everybody else does**
* Pickle: I pledge to get my book published this year *cough*
* Note to animal rights people and the easily offended. Yes, this is the made-up one. This one. THIS ONE! Argh!
** © Jim Davidson mayherestinpeace, 1983