Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The Further Diaries of Samuel Pepys

The Further Diaries of Samuel Pepys

Having discovered that these pages are distantly related to the famous journals of the great London diarist Samuel Pepys, it is only fair to continue the publication of some of the lesser known entries in his journal. Poor, poor S. Pepys.

April 15th 1664: "Up betimes and journey'd to my small-holding outside the walls of this fayre city, where I didst consult with my servant, a Mr Duck, on all manner of horticulture and cultivation techniques. Duck revealed that the latest fashion in planting is to imbibe the fruits and then defecate the seedes into ye ground! I'truth I didst thrash Duck within an inch of his lyfe for his impudence, telling him there is far enough shitte flowing through the streets of London without having to eat it; but not before he tells me where all my legumes have come from since five years past. Then I thrash'd him again, and he was sorely thankful."

April 16th 1664: "The gravest of news comes to me in my offices today. Mrs Pepys, in her profligacy has piss'd all my money up the wall on frilly extravagances and lusty young servant boys, who depart, exhausted within a week, short of breath, but heavy in gold. I, am, alas, forced to write for my living again so to cover her debts and pay off the blackmailers who continue to bother me over certain incriminating woodcuts. It has been a long tyme, but the words, I find come easily enough: 'Dear Fiesta, you won't believe ye incredible thynge which happened to me of this day. I didn't think I had a chance with this lusty young serving wenche...'"

April 18th 1664: "Up betimes and to a specialist shoppe in Shoreditch, where I didst purchase a number of items of clothing to fulfil a gentleman's need of a lady's undergarments. They are now well hidden in the loft space in our rooms, only to come out when Mrs Pepys is away and visiting her sister, when I can become Joan of Arc for an afternoon. Then, to the prize fights where I didst see a man's face punched clean off, and there was muche merriment."

April 20th 1664: "Up betimes and to my offices where I did experiment with my friend Newton on the effects of his newly discovered 'gravity' on the writhing, naked bodies of certain busty young wenches. In the process of this important scientific work, we both make copious notes and procured some extremely detailed illustrations, thanks to the intervention of a passing street artist. My Royal Society membership is a certainty, methinks."

April 21st 1664: "Alas! Mrs Pepys has ye redde rage again, and has discovered my Joan of Arc outfit, not to mention all my scientific notes and inexplicably stain'd woodcuts from yesterday's experiments. My woe was further compounded when a messenger unaccountably arrived with my filthy Dear Fiesta stories, which had been sent in the wrong envelope and passed them straight into Mrs Pepys' hand. Damn my eyes for marrying an educated woman, for when she reached the wordes 'and then I done her up ye wrong'un' I knew I would be overnighting at Newton's."

April 23rd 1664: "To The Globe for a celebration of the late Mr Shakespeare's life, whose birthday it is. Was privileged to see Mr Dalgeish's Hamlet, though these modern adaptations vex me somewhat. I cannot for the life of me remember the line 'To be or not to be, done a poo'. Then home, to sleep in the midden. Poor, poor S. Pepys."

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