Sunday, April 23, 2006

The Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method

The Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method, again

It's high time the Scaryduckworth-Lewis scale for rating stuff - our catch-all list that can be used to describe any occasion - got a bit of a tweak. I'm stuck for a new number five - suggest-me-up!

0. Abi Titmuss
1. Ann Widdecombe giving you the eye
2. Margaret Thatcher leather whip “happy finish” massage
3. Clare Short on page three of the Sun
4. Jade Goody delivering the Reith Lecture in the nip, innit
5. Ruth Kelly with a strap-on, and a terrible privately-educated gleam in her eye

6. The Princess Anne unnamed many-tentacled woe
7. An unshaven Tracey Emin asking for your help with her next 'art' piece.
8. Lorraine Kelly taking advantage of Eamonn Holmes' morning glory
9. Cherie Blair strap-on action
10. Locked in a cupboard, on a cruise ship, with Charlie Dimmock and her water feature

11. Carol Vorderman rubbing up against a bollard for cold, hard cash
12. Emma Thomspon on a street corner asking for "business"
13. Katy Hill and Janet Ellis eating a banana suggestively
14. Alison Goldfrapp straddling her mellotron
15. Konnie Huq in a bath of beans, whilst Zoe Salmon scrubs her back with a french stick

16. Kate Winslet keeping her clothes on, mostly
17. Kate Humble in a wet T-shirt competition
18. Felicity Kendall wrapped in clingfilm, with Penelope Keith talking dirty in the background
19. Nigella Lawson whipping up a creamy sauce
20. Sarah Beeny wrestling Kirstie Allsopp in a paddling pool filled with baby oil

And while we're here, I'm also on the lookout for awful blogs, because I'm a dreadful there-goes-the-neighbourhood snob. This one to beat, which scores 4: Jade Goody delivering the Reith Lecture in the nip, innit: Oh, the humanity!

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