Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Life of Kendo

The Life of Kendo*

The recent publication of Tales of Mirth and Woe has brought an unexpected result in Mrs Duck's father, the magnificent Kendo, opening whole new seams of stories for this site. Stories packed to the gills with both Mirth and Woe, of the highest quality. One or two of these stories have already slipped out onto these pages, but there is more to come. Much more, you lucky, lucky people.

In fact, the in-laws have been hard at it for a number of years (big family - they never had a television) and can already boast the following achievements, some of which still grace the archives of the Reading Evening Post:

- The time they were caught grave-robbing

- The time a family member became an internationally famous comedian despite "not being the funny one"

- The time they sent the little old lady next door to the gallows

- The time a family member carked it on the Titanic (built at the yard where my grandfather worked. Now that's going to cause some family friction)

- The time they re-enacted the siege of Stalingrad at a wedding reception

- The time a family member starred in EastEnders, only to be framed for murder

We're going to get along just fine. Oh yes.

* No relation to this Kendo.

A vote-o!

See what happens in a week where my MSN messenger is set to "Busy"? I sit myself sat down and force myself to write no less than three spanking new Tales of Mirth and Woe, which, countering recent unwarranted criticism from certain quarters, are all 100 per cent true.

I've just jazzed them up a bit, that's all.

Vote, then, for one of the following, the most popular of which, based on the single transferable make-it-up-as-I-go-along system will appear on these pages tomorrow

* Take a Break: A not untrue tale of life in the Duck household, which may or may not include a special guest appearance by Ann Noreen Widdecombe in her foundation garments*

* Conk: A not untrue tale of killer trees, suspicious "herbal" concoctions and a close family member getting maimed for life

* Road Rage: A not untrue tale of traffic-related woe and cheap personal abuse which may or may not include a special guest appearance by TV's Sandi Toksvig in her foundation garments*

* Where are they now?: A not untrue tale of bodily waste product woe which is a sequel to one of my most notorious stories. Dare you risk the rule of diminishing returns for this one? Eh? Do you?

* Graffiti: A not untrue tale of improvised literary woe including repeated use of the words "Oh fuckery", which may or may not include a special guest appearance by HRH Prince William in his granny's foundation garments*

And your reward? A thing what I done, and the latest duck-flavoured news comment on I must be serious. I've spent money on it.

* Go on, what do you think?

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