Condensed Films: 4 - The Rise of the Silver Surfer

Condensed Films: 4 - The Rise of the Silver Surfer

Oh Lordy! It's another in our series which takes popular films, cuts them down to size and presents them in easy-to-swallow chunks for today's easily-bored youth. This particular night out - which also included a slap-up nose-bag at the local Wimpy - cost us the best part of fifty quid? Worth it? Oh yes. I done a LOL in all the wrong places.

4 - The Rise of the Silver Surfer

Prologue

Giant Space Minge: Om nom nom nom tasty planet burp. LOL

Rigel IV: Ouch

Silver Surfer: Yoinks! Now to completely destroy that blue planet over there, d00d!

End of prologue

R. Richards: Hello. I am R. Richards and I am excellent. You may remember me as 'Hornblower', which isn't what you think. I am also getting married to S. Storm, who is also excellent.

Army Bloke: Hello. I am Army Bloke and I shall be your ignorant authority figure in this motion picture, whose blundering actions will only make things worse. I shall also be doubling as the token ethnic and turning-point-of-the-film victim. Plz to save the world, R. Richards.

R. Richards: Soz. I am getting married.

S. Storm: whinewhinemarriedwhinewhine

R. Richards: marriedmarriedwhinemarriedmarried

S. Storm: whinewhinemarriedwhinewhine

Half an hour later...

S. Storm: whinewhinemarriedwhinewhine

S. Surfer: Rad! Dude! I have, like, completely wrecked yr wedding! LOL

J. Storm: Hello. I am J. Storm and I am excellent. I shall stop this surf bum and totally whup his arse. Oh. He appears to have whupped mine.

Some people in London: Gor blimey, strike a light, apples'n'pears. Someone appears to half half-inched the River Thames. Chim-chim-cheroo.

V. O'Doom: Hello, S. Surfer. I am V O'Doom and I am evil. Plz to join me and take over the world, or something.

S. Surfer: Die in a fire, d00d. LOLZ! I completely kicked him in the nads!

V. O'Doom: Ooyagh! Me plums! I'm off to join the good guys and then take over the world, or something.

R. Richards: OMFG! Army Bloke is making us work with our sworn enemy, V. O'Doom. I bet you, like, any money he totally rips us off by the end of the film.

V. O'Doom: LOL!

Army Bloke: W00t! He have - despite our own ham-fisted efforts - captured S. Surfer.

S. Surfer: WTF? Like, pwn3d, d00d.

S. Storm: ONOZ! I have realised that S. Surfer - despite his outwardly evil appearance - is actually one of the good guys, who is only following orders and forced to do dreadful deeds by an evil master. Also: whinewhinewhinewhine

V. O'Doom: LOL! I now have S. Surfer's surf board.

S. Surfer: Like, totally bogus, d00d.

Army Bloke: ONOZ! V. O'Doom was evil after all. What were the odds of that happening? Also: he has killed me to death.

V. O'Doom: Now to take over the world, or something. LOL

R. Richards: Plz to not take over the world, becos the world will end, killed 2 death by Giant Space Minge

V. O'Doom: WTF? Sez who?

R. Richards: My good friend S. Surfer...

S. Surfer: Norma. My name is Norma.

R. Richards: Errr... Norma here needs his board back, or Giant Space Minge will kill us all. Kill us all TO DEATH!

V. O'Doom: Die in a fire, asshats! Also: I have also killed S. Storm to death. LOLZERZ!

S. Storm: ONOZ! whinewhine - cough - whinewhine - dead - whine

S. Surfer: Woah, bogus! Here comes Giant Space Minge to totally kill us all 2 death. Plz to get my board back, d00d!

J. Storm: I'll get it becos I am excellent. LOL punchy punchy slap slap

V. O'Doom: Ooyagh! Me Plums! Although I am probly not quite dead as there may be a franchise in this.

J. Storm: LOL! Here is yr board.

S. Surfer: Rad! d00000000d! Now to kill Giant Space Minge.

Giant Space Minge: Om nom nom nom lovely planet burp LOLZ. WTF?!

S. Surfer: Although I have always had the power to totally kill Giant Space Minge, I have never used it until now, which makes me complicit in repeated acts of genocide, to be brutally honest. I was ...err... just following orders. punchy punchy cosmic slap slap

Giant Space Minge: ONOZ, that smarts! I also appear to be teh dead. Ouch, me chuff.

S. Surfer: Ouch. I am also teh dead. OR AM I?

S. Storm: whinewhine - cough - whinewhine. WTF? I appear to be no longer dead. w00t! Let's get married!

B. Grimm: Here we go again. LOL! Also: Why am I in this film?

TEH END, ROFFLE