Condensed Films: The Shawshank Redemption
Can't be bothered to watch another re-run of this supposed classic film on Channel Four? We don't blame you. It's two-and-a-half hours long, and barely a naked woman to be seen. What you need, then, is the whole film experience delivered to you in one-easy to digest lump. Or, you could just read this. Your call.
Now featuring a cameo appearance from a Spicy Brains regular! Will it be you? No. It is not.
The Shawshank Redemption
A. Dufresne: Hello. I an A. Dufresne, and I am excellent. I am, in fact, so excellent, I am just on my way home to tell my wife - on a scale of one to ten - how excellent I am. I fully expect to give myself a ten, and then I shall be giving her one.
Mrs A. Dufresne: I wouldn't bother if I were you, on account that some charming young chap has already been giving me one, and now we are both dead.
A. Dufresne: ONOZ!
The Cops: And you did it, guy. U R so PWNED!
Judge: Yes. I agree with my friends The Cops. U R so going to TEH PRIZEN - 4 EVA!
A. Dufresne: ONOZ! Not TEH PRIZEN!!
Governor: Hello. I am teh prizen governor, and I am not a crook even though I look uncannily like Richard Nixon. Do as I say coz I can have you all killed, just like that. Ha hahahaaargh! Err... nothing.
Red: Hello. I am Ellis Boyd 'Red' Redding, and I am excellent, apart from all those murders I done. I can get you anything you need in TEH PRIZEN.
A. Dufresne: OK, get me a rock hammer and a huge poster of Rita Hayworth. No reason. Ha ha! I'm not trying to escape by digging a big hole in the prison walls over several decades and swimming out in a tide of poo, or anything.
Red: Here you go. Don't try to escape by digging a big hole in the prison walls over several decades and swimming out in a tide of poo, or anything. ROFFLE!
A. Dufresne: I am getting bummed rotten in TEH PRIZEN. If only I cld get on the right side of the warders, or something.
Warder: ONOZ! WTF?! I am getting ripped off by the tax man.
A. Dufresne: Leave it to me. I can do yr tax. LOL.
Warder: Hey thanks. Have some beers, m8.
A. Dufresne: Result! I am no longer getting bummed. ROFFLE.
Warder: Also, plz to do the tax for all the prison warders plz?
Governor: Also also, plz to run my dodgy business empire. I will give you favours in return so you don't blackmail me or try to escape by digging a big hole in the prison walls over several decades and swimming out in a tide of poo.
A. Dufresne: OK. Not that I'm planning to escape on a tide of poo, or anything. LOLZ!
Tommy: Hey! I know who really killed Mrs A. Dufresne!
A. Dufresne: WTF?! Plz to tell governor. It will get me out of TEH PRIZEN.
Tommy: Hey, governor. I know who really killed Mrs A. Dufresne. Oh. I appear to be dead.
A. Dufresne: Oh, spoons. Time to go all silent and suicidal, then.
Red: Plz to not kill yrself, A. Dufresne
A. Dufrense: I ate all TEH PRIZEN POO. Yaaaaaaaarch! Oh. I have escaped. Also: Yaaaaaaarch!
Governor: ONOZ! A. Dufresne has escaped by digging a big hole in teh prizen walls over several decades and swimming out in a tide of poo! Also, he has handed all my scrupulously collated dodgy paperwork to the authorities, so I might as well top myself. Ouch.
Red: OMFG! They let me out of prison and now I shall make a film about penguins. There is a message in all this. I hope you were paying attention.
Dickie "Touch" Tingles: whinewhinewhinewhine not as funny as you used to be whinewhine
Red: No. No, that wasn't the message.