Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Hate is...

Howard Jones: Not Dead

We were in danger of getting far too icky-lovey-dovey yesterday, and I am yet to be drawn into which one of the list was a dreadful true life confession.

But! We'll soon put an end to that nonsense, with a load of other crap I thought up, stuck on a train for an hour-and-a-half at Slough yesterday, which is more than enough to drive any man bat-shit insane, if I wasn't officially a mentallist already.

So, we find it in our hearts to fondly remember the music of High Wycombe's finest music artist, H. Jones, killed to death recently in a bizarre and tragic spacehopper accident.

Hate is...

... rubbing chillis into the crotch of his underwear the night before he runs the London Marathon

... a steaming, fresh Great Dane turd, sent first class to The Other Woman with a note reading "That's your face, that is"

... posting those photographs on the internet with the caption "OMFG! He is teh weenie! LOLZ!!111"

... moving to Slough

... tying him up, naked, in a room with a goat, Jade Goody's extended family and the collected works of Daniel O'Donnell

... hiding his car keys inside the cat

... waking him from a drunken reverie with a game of "Genital Darts"

... changing all the numbers on his mobile for a selection found on cards in phone boxes around Central London

... whipping up public disgust and a baying hate mob on the back of unfounded rumours of unlicensed spacehopper parties

Howard Jones: An Apology

In a post on the inexplicably excellent internet weblog "Scaryduck: Not Scary. Not a Duck", it was stated that Howard Jones, the popular 1980s singer-songwriter had recently died, the result a bizarre inflatable latex toy accident at an illegal "Spacehopper rave" somewhere, somewhere in a field in Hampshire.

We now accept that Mr Howard Jones is, in fact, alive and well and working as a lift operator at the Olympia Conference Hall in London, and that Mr S. Duck is a complete and utter liar*. Mr Jones would like to point out that a) this is a song for all of my friends and b) he has never knowingly done Spacehoppers, and will fight any man that says otherwise.

* May contain traces of lie

Currently listening: Never Ending Story - Limahl. Poor, dead Limahl.

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