On Blasphemy

On Blasphemy

Minor Historical Figures of whom you might not have heard - a not-as-funny-as-he-used-to-be cut out and keep guide

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No. 27: Dave Iscariot: Pathological liar, practical joker and younger brother to the otherwise angelic Judas, who made his name as best buddy to Jesus O'Nazareth, apprentice carpenter and part-time fisherman of Galilee.

Generous to a fault, the kindly Judas stumped up the best part of thirty pieces of silver to pay for a slap-up meal for Jesus and his chums - a bargain bucket from Judaean Fried Chicken - only to find the place turned over by the bloody Romans on the dodgy grounds that Mary Magdalene had organised the piss-up as a hooky pole-dancing event, getting the chief nailed to a tree for his sins.

Unfortunately for Judas, the whole bust was the work of one Dave Iscariot, who'd done it "for a bit of a laugh", before going round to have a word with the up-and-coming Jehovah Publishing Co, telling them it was his brother's big idea, getting him a bad press for the next two millennia in their newly published multi-billion selling work "The New Testament: Galilee Girls Gone Wild".

"For an extra fifty shekels", they told him, "you could have done it all official - throw in a Gospel of St Dave, guv", but the joker knew when to stop kicking the arse out of it, and left that particular job to Jeffrey Archer.

Instead, he donned his J O'Nazareth horror mask, and went knocking on doors telling people "WoooOOOoooo I have risen" until it got into all the papers.

And in his guilt he sayeth: "If me dad hears about this, I'll end up crucified"

What a scamp. And it must be true. It's on the internet.

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On Canada

And what we need after that is a good hard seeing to Thursday vote-o to determine which of my actually-quite-a-lot-funnier-than-he-used-to-be Tales of Mirth and Woe will appear on these pages tomorrow. Choose then, from this puke-tastic trio of tales:

* The Dog Smiles: Most European countries will now accept a photocopy of your genitals as a means of identification. However, you must first get the image certified as genuine at your local police station before you travel. Please allow 28 days for the certification process to complete.

* M. le Maire: English police officers are no longer called 'Bobbies'. They prefer to be called by the more modern term 'Twat Face' instead. Being asked "Hey Twat Face, is your head the same shape under that helmet?" whilst presenting a photo of your genitals for inspection always raises a laugh.

* On Exercise: Due to a clerical error at the United Nations, all citizens of Canada are legally obliged to email photographs of their genitals to everybody in their address book. Canada has recently been added to the Axis of Evil.

So, on that hopeful note, vote! Vote long. Vote hard. But most of all: get to know Canadians.