Thursday, May 08, 2008

Condensed Movies: Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith

Condensed Movies: Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith

At last, IT IS DONE - the last installment of George Lucas's Star Wars saga, condensed down to thing-hundred words in the easy-to-understand language of today's disaffected youth.

In order to cut out the tedium, there's no stupid droids (mostly), no boring back story and none of No Neck Lucas's risable dialogue. All that's left is what the punters paid to see: Light Sabre duels, younglings getting killed to death and scenes of andriods getting bummed silly by Sith Lords. Yeah, I know: Get on with it.

Star Wars III: Revenge of TEH SITH, in which lots of people get killed TO DETH

O. Kenobi: Hello. I am O. Kenobi and I am excellent. Today, my young padowan learner...

D. Vader: Hello

O. Kenobi: ...and I shall be mostly killing Count Dooku TO DETH and crashing his space cruiser for top LULZ

D. Vader: LOL

C. Dooku: Ouch. You bastard

O. Kenobi: I LOLed

D. Vader: Hi honey, I'm home! And Friday night is baby oil night

Mrs Vader: Plz not teh baby oil. The duff: I am up it

D. Vader: ONOZ! I mean... shite – who's the dad? FFS, so much for a life of Jedi sex tricks

O. Kenobi: I am off to kill G. Grievous TO DETH. Plz to stay here and not join TEH DARK SIDE

D. Vader: wanker

O. Kenobi: Pardon?

D. Vader: Nothing. Nothing at all.

D. Sidious: Plz to join TEH DARK SIDE

D. Vader: w00t!

S. L. Jackson: Sheeeeeiit. TEH DARK LORD: you are it.

D. Sidious: LOL. Now I am going to kill you TO DETH! PS You are this: TEH GAY LORD

S. L. Jackson: Sheeeeeiit. Eat light sabre, mother fupper. Fruuuuuuuuum

D. Sidious: Phear my l33t s1Th sk1llZ LOL. Froooooooooooooob

S. L. Jackson: Sheeeeeiit. Freeeeeeerrrrrb

D. Sidious: Zooooooooob. Ouch. You are about to kill me TO DETH

D. Vader: I'll help you boss, because I am rather enjoying being an enormous bastard

S. L. Jackson: Sheeeeeiit. You awful, awful little sheeeeeiit

D. Sidious: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzap! LOL

S. L. Jackson: Sheeeeeiit. You haz killed me TO DETH and I didn't even get to do my snakes on a plane gag. Mother fupper

G. Grievous: Oooh hark at 'er. I got killed TO DETH as well, and I'm a robot

D. Sidious: Now to take over the universe or something, LOLOLOL, and while I'm down here with a face like Jade Goody's: ROFFLE

D. Vader: Permission to join you in a bout of maniacal laughter, boss

D. Sidious: Granted


D. Sidious: Now plz to go kill all TEH YOUNGLINGS TO DETH

D. Vader: TEH WHAT?

D. Sidious: Look, I don't write this stuff. Just be a chap and bump off TEH YOUNGLINGS

D. Vader: But...

D. Sidious: Unlimited power, naked sexbots and all the space gak you can snort

D. Vader: Consider TEH YOUNGLINGS killed TO DETH. Whatever they are

C-3PO: Hello, would it be inopportune to mention at this point that I am NOT a sexbot?

D. Sidious: Shut up and bend over

C-3PO: Oh my!

Y. Oda: You will be pleased to learn that both myself and O. Kenobi have not been killed TO DETH. Which is lucky, as the rest of the series would make no sense whatsoever, Ewoks or no fucking Ewoks

D. Vader: Hi honey, I'm home!

Mrs Vader: Did you have a good day at work, dear?

D. Vader: Yes. Yes I did. I helped my boss take over TEH UNIVERSE, then I went out and killed all TEH YOUNGLINGS TO DETH and bummed R2-D2 all the way to Tatooine and back

Mrs Vader: Oh, you complete fucker

D. Vader: And where's my pissing dinner, FFS?

O. Kenobi: That D. Vader. What a complete fucker

Y. Oda: Told you so, I did

O. Kenobi: STFU, muppet. I am going to kill him totally TO DETH. But only in a way that doesn't take me to TEH DARK SIDE

D. Vader: Who's a padowan now, you posh bastard? Fwoooooooooop

O. Kenobi: I'm going to bum you so hard, you'll be tasting sausage all week LOL. Zaaaaaaaaaaaarb

D. Vader: Wait... WHAT? Fwooooooooooosh Caaaaaaark

O. Kenobi: Err... Nothing... Flaaaaaaaaaaaaarp. LOL – your legs I have cut them off

D. Vader: Tis only a flesh wound.

O. Kenobi: Now I haz cut off your arm, ROFL

D. Vader: All right, we'll call it a draw

O. Kenobi: Die in a fire. Oh, you are, LOLOLOLOLOLz, although, having seen the script for Episode IV, I might live to regret this

D. Vader: Ouch. That really, really hurt. Where is the true love of my life so that she might sooth my injuries with a bout of rampant, horny Jedi sex?

Doctor: Mrs Vader iz TEH DED


Doctor: Also, so are your unborn children

D. Vader: Despite being a Sith Lord, knower of all things, I cannot tell that you are lying through your teeth, and that I have, in fact, two younglings, who will be my nemeses in years to come. So: ONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZ!

L. Skywalker: Wait... WHAT? You're leaving me in the hands of peasants?

P. Leia: Tough shit, dipstick, I'm a fucking princess, FTW!

Doctor: Also: Your wanking hand: It is gone.


Doctor: However, we have installed this experimental hand shandy device

D. Vader: Result! LOL.

O'Reilly Builders (Mos Eisley) Ltd: Begorrah, one DETH STAR an' damp course comin' right up. An' we promise not to leave any vulnerable exhaust ports that only your long lost son will have the required piloting and weaponry skills to hit from a small, lightly armed fighter craft, or nothin' LOL

D. Vader: Sod that, the battery's run out in my wanking hand. What's the Help Desk number?


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