On making an insurance claim

On making an insurance claim

J. The Hutt Insurance Brokers
Investigations Department
Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy House
Mos Eisley
Tatooine

Dear Mr Vader,

Claim for total loss: DEATH STAR

We note your recent claim for the total loss of your Death Star vehicle which is insured with our company.

Your witness statement maintains that you were "driving at 28 mph in a built-up area whilst wearing a seat-belt, and I wasn't on the phone, no way, honest" when your vehicle came into collision with an X-Wing Fighter driven by "uninsured rebel scum who jumped a red light who then fucked right off", resulting in the complete write-off of the insured vehicle.

However, evidence has come to our attention that may throw doubt over your statement. For example:

* While you claim that the accident occurred on the Uxbridge Bypass, police CCTV footage shows you driving recklessly towards Navin IV, whilst in possession of illegally held energy weapons and a defective right offside brake light

* You maintain that the other party was unknown to you. Independent witnesses, however, have stated that the driver involved is one Luke Skywalker of Tatooine, who is your son

* Information received shows that the incident was also planned by one Leia Organa, your daughter

* We have been unable to trace your witness, a Mr Darksideoftheforce, who does not appear on any Electoral Roll or database. We would suggest that you are making him up

* Your claim for £4,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to cover total loss of your Death Star seems rather excessive. A pre-crash estimate by our loss adjustors puts your vehicle's value at £3,295, mainly because you had a full tank of unleaded at the time of the accident

We also note an additional claim for (and we quote) "fucking rotten whiplash injuries" associated with this incident. Our investigating team draws your attention to your recent first place in the Galactic Empire All-comers Lightsabre Tournament, which was reported widely in the press and other media.

You are, Mr Vader, to use your turn of phrase, rather having a laugh, aren't you?

Yours truly,

J. The Hutt (Managing Director)

PS Your Jedi mind tricks won't work on us. We're trained accountants, so I wouldn't bother trying.