On troubleshooting guides
"Mwargh!" says my charming wife, "MWARGH!"
On further investigation, I find there is smoke rising from our brand new, eight-sheets-at-a-time document shredder.
"Well?" she demands, "Don't just do something – sit there!", or words to that effect.
I leapt into action, grabbed the illustration-heavy two-page instruction manual with the words "Identity theft... WooOOOOooooOOOOoo!" printed on the front in big, scary letters.
Problem: Smoke billowing from the unit after five minutes' operation.
Solution: Yeah, we know. But what did you expect for the money? PS We shredded your guarantee certificate, just for LULz.
Funnily enough, I had the same problem with The All-New Silver Hornet last week.
Having spent rather too much money replacing the old, posted-to-the-scrap-yard-in-a-matchbox Silver Hornet with a Renault Scenic-type Silver Hornet which is actually silver, I find myself already diving headlong into the car's user manual to find out why it's not actually working half the time.
For example, I stopped off at the garage for a loaf of bread on the way to work the other morning, only to find that the engine wouldn't start again. Oh, how we laughed.
To page 4,134 of the owner's guide! The engine on a Renault these days is almost completely covered with a large metallic shield, a warning to drivers to get their filthy hands out things they do not understand. There is little a man can do but to hit it with a hammer and hope it works.
Problem: Engine does not start when hot
Solution: Yeah, we know. Sit there like a twat for half-an-hour while it sorts itself out. Think of it as our way of removing you from the hustle and bustle of everyday life, where you can relax, listen to Radio 4 and shout "Start you Fucker!" every five minutes. That'll teach you for buying a French car.