It's that time of year again, and what better way to celebrated with a bit of second-rate blasphemy? So here's the timeless tale of the birth of Our Lord and Saviour, translated into the language of today's easily bored youth, who are demanding a crate of White Lightning for Christmas or "I'll cut you wiv ma flicky innit?"
And who, pray, are we to argue?
TEH BIRTH OF JEBUS, with special guest star Jeremy Beadle as TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD
Mary O'Nazareth: Hello. I am Mary O'Nazareth and I am excellent. Today, I shall be mostly visiting my boyf Joe Carpenter becoz we r very much in LUB in a proper, chaste manner. Also, I like kittens and poniesTEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD: Hello. I am TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD and I am excellent. Let's see if she recognises me...
M. O'Nazareth: Hello TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD. Sup?
TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD: Message from upstairs. U R up TEH duff. LOL
M. O'Nazareth: FTW! Will I be havng a puppy? And wait... is that a false beard?
TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD: Errr... nothing. TEH boss say u hv 2 marry J. Carpenter and call teh baby JEBUS. LOL
M. O'Nazareth: JEBUS? Is he going to be Mexican?
TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD: JEBUS H CHRIST
J. Carpenter: Hello. I am J. Carpenter and I am excellent. With any luck that soppy bint M. O'Nazareth will leave me alone today. Me n teh lads are out on a beaver patrol tonite, FFS
M. O'Nazareth: Cooo-eeee!
J. Carpenter: Oh, COCK
M. O'Nazareth: Guess what? I met TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD an' he sez I'm gonnur hav a puppy called JEBUS an' we've gotta get married an' everything an' save TEH WORLD from EVIL an' an' an' we'll all liv happy evar after WIV A PONY!!!
J. Carpenter: Wait... WHAT?
TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD: What she said, bud. Soz. Orders from above
J. Carpenter: Oh, COCK
TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD: Degree of difficulty – in BETHLEHEM
J. Carpenter: What? That dump? FAIL
TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD: By donkey
M. O'Nazareth: Weeeeeee! A PONY!
Some time later
Receptionist: Welcome to Bethlehem Travel Inn, how can we help you?
J.Carpenter: Here's three nails, put me up for the night
Receptionist: LOL, that's an Easter joke, sir
J. Carpenter: A reservation. I HAZ ONE. Name of Carpenter
Receptionist: SOZ. Computer Says No. In fact, fck off
J. Carpenter: COCK. How about the stable then?
Receptionist: Fifty notes. Cash in hand. Each
M. O'Nazareth-Carpenter: I'm hvng a baby, me. An' I got to ride onna pony all teh way here. Weeeee!
J. Carpenter: I wish I was TEH DED
M. O'Nazareth-Carpenter: Oh, look a baby, LOL
TEH Heavenly Host: All hail TEH KING OF KINGS, for He is born this day in Bethlehem!
J. Carpenter: Keep it down you mugs – people tryin to spleep here FFS
TEH Heavenly Host: Soz. LOL
Meanwhile, not terribly far away
Jones the Shepherd: Hello, I am Jones the Shepherd and I am excellent, isn't it? Despite everything you have ever heard, we shepherds are neither sexual deviants nor obsessed with rigging the result of One Man and His Dog
TEH ANGLE OF THE LORD: So, what are you doing with that sheep FFS?
Jones the Sheep: Err... nothing. Nothing. It's gone lame and I'm wheeling it to TEH Vet. Honest
TEH ANGLE OF THE LORD: LOL. Get down to Bethlehem and praise teh BABY JEBUS. There'll be a pint in it, dood
Jones the Sheep: Nice one, Angle.
TEH Heavenly Host: Praise! Praise! Praise! For He is born this Christmas Day!
Jones the Sheep: Look, you've been warned once already. Bunch of winged gits
Meanwhile, terribly far away
King Eric: Good moaning. Je suis King Eric et je suis formidable. Zut alors! Je must travel to Bethlehem to praise TEH BABY JEBUS
King Elvis: Uh huh huh. What he said, thankyouverymuch
Burger King: Belch
King Eric: Just don't tell King HEROD, whatever you do, for he is TEH KING OF FAIL
King Herod: Sup, fellow Kings. Just off to kill some peasants TO DETH for shits and giggles LOL
King Elvis: Just off to praise teh new BABY JEBUS, uh huh huh
Burger King: He's going to grow up to be KING OF TEH WURLD
King Herod: Oh yeh? Not on my watch, douchebags. Time to get smitin' LOLOLOL
King Eric: You pair of total, total GITS
TEH Heavenly Host: Praise...
King Eric: SHUT IT
Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile
Jones the Sheep: Right, love, where's the nipper? I've brought Dai the Sheep, Morgan the Sheep and Cohen the Sheep so this had better be good. This is usually our pullin' night, isn't it?
M. O'Nazareth-Carpenter: Ooh! Do I get a pressie?!
Jones the Sheep: Yes. Yes you do. It's a... shut your eyes... a SHEEP
M. O'Nazareth-Carpenter: Weeeeee! A fluffy ickle pony!
King Eric: Zut alors and Good Moaning. We have also brought presents. Here's a pound. And some MUH*
M. O'Nazareth-Carpenter: Weeeee!
Burger King: Have you thought of a name? We've got TOP sponsorship opportunities going
J. Carpenter: JEBUS. JEBUS Carpenter
M. O'Nazareth-Carpenter: JEBUS H. CHRIST
J. Carpenter: Look, we had this argument on the back of the donkey on the way over…
M. O'Nazareth-Carpenter: An' I'm telling you – UR NOT TEH DAD. I'm chasing TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD through the CSA. Think of teh free house an' the benefits an' the FREE PONY LOLOLOL. Gordon Clown's Judaea LMAO
TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD: Wait.. what? But... but... He's his own Dad. IT IS WRITTEN and it is COMPLICATED FFS
TEH Heavenly Host: Do we get to sing now?
J. Carpenter: Oh, go on, then. A PROPER XMAS song or I kick you in teh nadgers
TEH Heavenly Host: Last Xmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away, ROFFLE
J. Carpenter: Nice one. Karaoke classic LMAO
Jones the Sheep: But.. but... strictly speaking, there was NO last Christmas. FAIL
Baby Jebus: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
J. Carpenter: Now look. You've made BABY JEBUS cry FFS
King Herod: It's SMITIN' time! LOLOLOLZERS. Crap, I love being KING . Best job in TEH WURLD
M. O'Nazareth-Carpenter: Have you brought me a pony? Have you? HAVE YOU? I'd give my first born for a lovely pony
King Herod: All the ponies you can eat, shexxxxy, and then - HOLLYWOOD
M. O'Nazareth-Carpenter: Ooo! What a dish
TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD: [slaps forehead]
J. Carpenter: Dood. Let her go.
TEH ANGLE OF TEH LORD: But...
King Herod: Stick with me, babe. I’ll make you a star. A star of BETHELEHEM.
Wrath of Dawn re-wrote the ending to this because my original was TEH SUXXOR
* Look, you can't improve on perfection. HERE for "A balm? Does it bite?" gag
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