Tuesday, December 30, 2008

On Christmas tat

On Christmas tat

It cannot be Christmas without the annual "What have Sandra and Mike given us this year?" competition.

I thought I had won last year's top prize with a second-hand book called "A Teenager's Guide to Surviving the Millennium Bug". It still had the charity shop price tag on the back.

I am 42-years-old, the Millennium Bug didn't happen nine years ago and I am eternally thankful that they spent a whole 15 pence on me.

However: The boy Scaryduck Jr got a pink bracelet, clearly out of the previous year's Christmas cracker at a total outlay of £0.00.

The clear winner, we made sure he sent them a thank you letter, which will, as eggs are eggs, have the stamp steamed off and re-used.

So, come Christmas 2008 and I am on tenterhooks over this year's present. And I was not disappointed.

A novelty teapot, bearing the dyslexic legend "A gift from DEVNO"

Filthy dirty, I gave it a rub to give it a bit of a clean, and the next thing I know the room is filled with a large Devonian djinn, the smoke alarm drowning out EastEnders.

"Thank you," it said, pausing from what appeared to be a cream tea, "Thank you for releasing me from my prison. I see Nick Cotton's back."

Steps back in amazement.

"I grant you," the genie continued, "three questions. Think. Ask well. Ask wisely."

I thought. I asked.

"Do these have to be yes/no questions?"


"Did that count as a question?"


"Can I start again?"

Worst. Present. EVER.

Go on - tell us your worst present story. You know you want to.

In other news: The world's greatest living Welshman Rikaitch is organising a London piss-up meet as the Pseudonymph Family World Tour hits the capital. Details HERE.

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