On getting mixed up with the Talivan

On getting mixed up with the Talivan

I found a speed camera recently. Or - rather - it found me.

Dear Dorset Safety Camera Partnership

Congratulations on becoming the top safety camera partnership in the whole of Dorset! Your work in preventing drivers from driving is quite literally second to none, which I mean in the most sarcastic way possible.

In fact, you are so good at making road users driver slower in Dorset, the merest sight of one of your mobile cameras on the A31 recently caused the driver in front of me to immediately stamp on his brakes in a cloud of smoke and burning rubber to bring his speed down from around 60 mph to that of a funeral cortege within approximately 0.0000035 seconds, completely obvlious to the other road users around him.

This abject asshattery caused me to have to swerve into the other lane to avoid this Honda Accord-driving menace to avoid a collision. I might - in the name of avoiding the white van man now bearing down on me - have sped up a bit to avoid a nasty tail-gating, and that was the exact moment I passed your camera at something approaching the speed of light. Trust me, that's no mean achievement in a Nissan Micra.

The doppler effect is a funny old thing, but I am pretty sure that I heard your camera operator doneing a LOL as I went past, followed several minutes later by the 100% legal and utterly safe Honda Accord bozo, sensible hat at a jaunty angle on his head, tartan rug folded neatly on the parcel shelf, in his moment of pure, undiluted derp.

If you pardon my saying: That's not really fucking safe, is it?

And herein lies the grounds for my appeal.

Be lucky.

Your new pal

Albert O'Balsam

I've got no chance, have I?