On helping poor, sad Liz Jones of the Daily Mail

On helping poor, sad Liz Jones of the Daily Mail

I hate the Daily Mail with a passion, and would not even sink so low as to wipe my arse on their tainted pages of hate and fear. I would be quite happy to see the whole of London destroyed in a firey nuclear inferno, safe in the knowledge that it has taken the Daily Mail with it.

However, I see it as my duty to help their staff see the error of their ways, and encourage them to a life out in the real world.

Target No.1: Spunk thief Liz Jones

Dear Liz Jones

Congratulations on your continuing success as a columnist in the Daily Mail! I have admired your work for some time, as you fight a personal battle against self-loathing and debt despite the extraordinary salary you draw from Britain's top online newspaper.

However, is it not time you stopped this dreadful charade and sought employ elsewhere? I note from your recent celebrated column, in which you admitted to stealing man gravy from your male partners that you have an interest in the reproductive arts.

Perhaps, then, you might wish to go into business, encouraging woman to get hold off spoodge in any (legal) manner they can, and lend it out to those most in need?

I propose we call this venture LIZ JONES JIZZ LOANS, and it's a sure-fire winner.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Be lucky.

Your new best pal

Albert O'Balsam

This time next year, Rodders, we'll be millionaires