Thursday, January 01, 2004


Yesterday’s blog was going to be a sharp, witty and somewhat hilarious account of a New Year’s party I went to several years ago. However, one thing led to another (drink), and I never quite (drink) got round (drink) to writing the actual story (drink). But fear not, gentle reader, for instead, I have prepared a precis version for your delight (drink).

Pub. Friends. Drink. Girls. Drink. Drink. Arses. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Vomit. Drink. Drink. Hilarious yet painful episode. Drink. Drink. Taxi. Vomit. Hilarious yet painful episode at the hands of vengeful taxi driver. Vomit. Bed. Vomit. Hangover. Hangover. Terrible, terrible hangover. For three days. Drink.

Amuse and delight yourself by filling in the blanks. Happy New Year to you all. Drink.

Balls of Crystal

In lieu of the usual horror-scopes, we’ve rushed out and bought a copy of Old Moron’s Almanack to see, amongst the sunrise tiems, the tide timetables and the adverts for charms and lucky bingo boards, what the coming year has in store for us. Doom. That’s what.

January: Michael Jackson is acquitted of all charges against him after medical evidence reveals that he has no genitals. Two headed dog found in Walthamstow.

February: Favourites and second favourites may prove successful in this month’s race meetings. It may be worth backing a few outsiders, just to be on the safe side. Image of Mother Teresa found in a chicken balti.

March: First sighting of Christmas displays in London shops. President Bush announces America now on Level 20 “Plaid” state of paranoia. Horse with two bodies and two heads wins the St Leger.

April: The Grand National will be won by a horse. Luck in the national lottery favours a combination of odd and even numbers. Prominent politician to be choked to death by the Queen Mother, rising from the dead as a zombie.

May: The FA Cup will be won by a team in red, blue or striped shirts. A team from Glasgow may win the Scottish football league. Sheep found working as commander-in-chief of the Portuguese army.

June: Scandal as a senior Royal’s seedy past as a grumbleflick actress is revealed. Asked why nobody noticed sooner, a palace official replies “Nobody ever looks at the face, do they?” Image of Donald Rumsfeld found in fish and chip wrapper at Southsea. Huge excitement until someone realises it was yesterday’s newspaper.

July: The world cowers as Satan’s hoardes ride out for the apocalyptic battle of Megidd, the ultimate battle of good against evil. However, the whole event is postponed due to unforeseen bad weather, judged an away win by the pools panel. Back all horses at race meetings this month, due to the shortage.

August: Education is plunged into crisis as nation’s schools report a staggering 0% attendance. Punch and Judy industry reported “close to collapse” due to a lack of interest. Back teams you’ve never heard of in the Aussie pools.

September: A nation mourns as a week passes without the Beckhams appearing in any of Hello!, OK! or TV Quick. Tony Blair announces a state of emergency as a result, “Our new downstairs toilet with Victoria and David” editions rushed out to Asda supermarkets everywhere.

October: UK raises terrorist alert to High as world marmite supply dries up. Favourites, second favourites and very small men on huge horses backed at National Hunt meetings. Director of the National Lottery wins GBP 50 million prize on the National Lottery. “Now there’s a turn-up for the books.”

November: A rich white man in a suit wins the US Presidential election against another rich besuited white man. Iraqi government calls for “urgent restoration of democracy in the US” after it emerges that both main candidates polled 97% of the vote in the first all-electronic election.

December: Millions to take part in some sort of end-of-year celebrations, followed by a rush to buy Old Moron’s Almanack 2005. Gold Cup won by skeletal figure on flaming steed, bookies go home happy.

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