Wednesday, January 21, 2004

News from the 51st state

Bad news for six year old kids still wobbling about on stabilisers - it is now illegal to ride your bicycle on the pavement. This is of part of our esteemed government's attempts to criminalise everything under the catch-all "anti-social behaviour" banner, rather than try to sort out the joblessness, poverty and despair that is the root cause of criminal behaviour.

Nipping up the kerb to get round a traffic jam, or to avoid getting squashed to a pulp by a forty ton lorry is now outlawed in the same act that allows the police to close down crack houses "for up to six months". What happens after the sixth months is up? Do they get to put a neon sign over the door saying "Pipes R Us"?

Somehow, I think the Old Bill will be cracking down on cyclists who haven't realised the bike lane's finished - and could easily be prosecuted under existing laws, rather than the drug dealers or the oiks terrorising old ladies on their BMXes. But that would just be my natural cynicism. God bless ya, David Blunkett! Any excuse to use that picture...

The Scaryduck guide to... ending Cliff Richard's evil reign of terror

"Is shooting too good for Cliff Richard?" Gert asks. Quite frankly, yes it is. The man is a menace to society, and clearly needs to be stopped before our youth's morals are corrupted by his squaky clean image and his Mistletoe and fucking whine. Why waste a bullet on the bastard? There are a million and one ways to dispose of his limp, lifeless corpse, and to achieve this we must learn from Bond movie bad guys.

* Tie a knot in his colostomy bag. It will be only a matter of time before he explodes in a shower of shit, the resulting mess to be released as his next Christmas single
* Forced sex with the Cheeky Girls until he expires from exhaustion. Believe me, he'd hate every minute of the experience.

* A concert for "special" prisoners at Parkhurst Jail. In the round. With no security.
* Tie him to a chair and force him to listen to Misteltoe and Whine on an endless loop for three days. Allow him just enough movement in his right arm to be able to hold a pistol loaded with a single round to his head. We're merciful like that.

* While he's asleep, give him plastic surgery to look like the stupid's stupid Maxine Carr. Then give him a twenty yard head-start in that mad council estate in Portsmouth.
* Make him live in Hull. A living, festering death.


Heads up folks - Friday is National Pie Day. As a result, our weekly Scary Story may have a pie theme. Or it might mention pie. Or it might not. Depends.


... Chief Minister of Delhi Sheila Dikshit.

That is all.

The Scaryduck Archive

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