Paula Radcliffe done a poo

Scat News

I am rather disturbed at the misinformation and the false news doing the rounds at the moment in this all-important pre-election period and the announcement of a new Pope for over a billion Roman Catholics. I mean, anyone can tell an untuth from time-to-time, but never, in all my years in the meeja industry, have I witnessed such unbridled lies in the reporting of a major news event.

And it is this: Paula Radcliffe done a poo during the London Marathon.

Not a wee, as nearly every single media outlet is suggesting. Done a poo. A dump. Number twos.

Think about it. Any top athlete, stretching their body to the limit over 26 miles will not upset their rhythm and make an unscheduled stop at a vital stage in a major race to have a quick tinkle. They will, manky that this sounds, just let go with the flow, and hope nobody notices as it runs down their leg.

There is much on the internet about the scourge that is runners' trots, so we mustn't judge Paula too harshly on something that will quite rightly get you banged up if you tried it outside a Chinese takeaway on a drunken Friday night.

For God's sake, my schooldays were scarred, scarred I say by the time I pissed my pants while climbing a rope during PE, yet she gets a free pass for crapping in the street.

And top marks too, to the Romanian lass who came in second for the spectacular shower of vomit at the finishing line. If the Kenyan bloke who won the men's race whacked one out in celebration, we'd have had the trifecta.

But, facts are facts. Paula took a shit. In the street. In front of thousands of people. On TV. And some bloke was running the marathon in bare feet.

Paula Radcliffe - we pronounce thee Queen of Mank.

And on that note, it is my 14th wedding anniversary today; and by some awesome coincidence it is also Mrs Duck's. Isn't it amazing how we ended up getting married on the same day?

It is our Ivory anniversary, so I'm off out to bag me an elephant. Yeah, I know "You kill it, you eat it." Barbecue at our place...

Sneak peak at the cover art for the forthcoming book Tales of Mirth and Woe. Thanks to Ed for the art-me-do, the cheque's in the post.